How Should an INFJ Respond If Someone Asks Them Out?

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

If you’re an INFJ and someone likes you enough to ask you on a date, there’s really no right or wrong way to respond as long as you’re being honest. But that’s where things can get complicated.

You may have mixed feelings about going out with this person, resulting from the flurry of emotions you now feel. This is especially true if you had no idea they were going to ask you out and you’re not sure how you feel about them. But even if you know you like them, you may still be unsure of what to do.

If you’re an INFJ trying to figure out how to respond after someone asks you out, here are five things you might want to consider doing.

5 Things INFJs Should Consider Doing If Someone Asks Them on a Date

1. If it’s someone you like, say yes and celebrate.

   I don’t think there’s a better response to something like this than celebration. If someone you like found the courage to ask you out and has taken the bold step of actually doing so, celebrate. We INFJs may be reluctant to initiate things in a relationship, so if someone takes that first step for us, we should be relieved and thrilled.
   
   Now, you may not want to do your happy dance (or whatever form of celebration you prefer) in front of them because you don’t want your excitement to scare them away. But as soon as you tell them yes—because that’s what you’re going to do, right?—and have some privacy, make sure you celebrate.
   
   Let’s get back to that yes for a second, though. It’s important to know that we INFJs can sometimes have very low self-confidence. (For INFJs who want to know how to improve this, you can check out this post.) But this low self-confidence may actually cause our overthinking mind to try to talk us out of saying yes to them even if we know we want to. Take a listen to what your inner monologue might say:
   
   “Why did they ask me out? What’s so special about me? They’re probably just trying to be nice. Or maybe it’s just a joke or something. I probably shouldn’t go out with them. I’ll probably mess things up anyway. We’re better off as friends. Yeah, I think maybe we should just stay friends.”
   
   You can see how the inner monologue can make you question whether or not you should say yes. In fact, it’s not uncommon for INFJs to prefer staying friends with someone over starting a romantic relationship with them.
   
   But, INFJs, you need to understand your worth. You’re special and valuable and it should come as no surprise to you that someone has seen this value and wants to get to know you in a romantic setting. It’s possible you’re having doubts because you’ve been single for a while or because no one that you know has ever reciprocated your feelings. Maybe you’ve even intimidated people before and you wonder where this person is getting their boldness.
   
   The thing is, your value isn’t tied to someone being interested in you. You’re valuable because you exist. And you don’t have to question this person’s boldness. If you know them to be a good person, trust that they’re just not intimidated by you—or at least not enough to scare them away.
   
   So, don’t sell yourself short. If this is someone you like and that you feel is worthy of your time and affection—someone who can handle the way you love—don’t be afraid to give them a chance.

2. If it’s not someone you like, let yourself be flattered, then thank them and give a gracious refusal.

   Even if you don’t have feelings for the person who asked you out, you can still let yourself feel flattered. Once again, someone has seen your value and has shown that they would like to get to know you in a romantic setting. This is a cause for joy.
   
   But I know you probably won’t feel much joy because you have to reject their offer. Either you don’t see them as anything more than a friend or you sincerely feel that a relationship between you two wouldn’t work. Maybe they have certain habits or tendencies that you don’t mind in a friend but that you wouldn’t want in a partner. That’s ok.
   
   Thank them for their offer, but then tell them why you have to say no. Either tell them you only see them as a friend or tell them why you don’t think a relationship between you two would work.
   
   There’s probably not much they can say in the first case. But in the second case, if they really like you, they might try to convince you to give them a chance in spite of your reluctance. If so, hear them out. And if you find their argument convincing, you might want to reconsider whether your reasons for saying no were valid or not. It’s perfectly fine if you decide to go against reason and go out with them after all.

3. If you don’t know how you feel, ask for time to respond.

   But maybe you’re not sure how you feel about this person. Maybe you’re friends, but you’ve never thought of them as more than a friend. Of course, it would have been nice if they had told you about their feelings before they asked you out, but they didn’t. Or maybe they told you and then asked you out (also not ideal, I know).
   
   It’s also possible that you don’t know this person well, but you like them as an acquaintance. You just didn’t know (or didn’t want to know) that they saw you as anything more.
   
   Whatever the case, you weren’t ready for this offer, and now you have to respond. But know that you don’t have to respond right away. Instead of telling them something just to end the awkwardness you now feel, take a moment to acknowledge that you don’t really know what to say.
   
   Tell them that this offer came as a surprise to you and you’d like to take time to think about it before responding. If they genuinely like you, they’ll wait for you to respond. But please don’t make them wait forever.
   
   There are some personality types that would have no problem just saying yes to this person and figuring out whether the relationship could go anywhere later. But this doesn’t work for most INFJs.
   
   We like to know this is something real from the start—something that could go somewhere (more on this in #5). While it’s not necessary for an INFJ to be in love with someone to go out with them, they should at least know whether this is someone they would be comfortable loving someday.

4. If you say yes and they don’t make a date suggestion, make one yourself.

   In this post, I present five first date ideas that would be ideal for INFJs. They omit the lack of conversation to be found in going to a movie and the sometimes anxiety-provoking societal ritual of eating a meal in a crowded restaurant while trying to maintain some sort of conversation. Instead, they focus on opportunities for deep conversation mixed with quiet, nature, and potentially coffee.
   
   When an INFJ is just getting to know someone, they’ll want to know everything about them. Even if they were already friends, the INFJ will still want to go even deeper than before. That means they’ll want to talk to their companion a lot. So, as an INFJ, on a first date you should have the opportunity to talk to your date without having to strain to hear their responses.
   
   And, ideally, there shouldn’t be too many other people around so you can focus your attention on your date. You’ll be using these moments to determine how you really feel about this person and whether you can see this relationship continuing long-term (more on that in #5).
   
   And if this person does suggest a date that you don’t think will allow for the quiet and deep conversation you crave, feel free to suggest an alternate idea. Remember, it’s a first date for both of you, so you should both feel comfortable.

5. If you say yes, tell them you don’t do casual.

   Most INFJs are looking for long-term, committed relationships. We don’t like to date just for the sake of dating. We like to go out with people we can picture a future with. It’s important to make sure this person knows that from the start.
   
   You probably don’t want to bring up marriage right away, but make sure they know that you’re not a casual dater. So, if that’s all this is for them—a casual date—it might be better if you just remain friends.

Final Thoughts

In an ideal world, we would all know just what to say when it needs to be said. But that’s not the world we live in. Sometimes when something we long for happens, we still don’t know how to respond either because we weren’t ready for it or because we let our mind have too much say.

INFJs, if someone you like asks you out, say yes. If you don’t like them, let them down easy. And if you need time to think, take time to think—and then respond. Don’t leave this person on the line forever.

And if you two do end up going out, try to make your first date as INFJ-friendly as possible. And remember that, whatever your history with dating and relationships, don’t ever be afraid to take a chance on love.

Now I turn it to you. How do you think INFJs should respond if someone asks them out?

~ Ashley C.