When we experience feelings of love at the thought of someone special to us, it’s very easy for us to believe that we’re in love with that person. And it’s true that we might indeed be in love with them. But it’s also possible for us to be in love with only the idea of them.

In this post, I present four questions you can ask yourself to find out whether you’re in love with someone or just the idea of them. But once you’ve figured out that it’s only the idea that you love, how do you stop being in love with the idea? Here are five suggestions.

5 Ways to Get Over the Idea of Someone

1. Get to know them in real life.

   Although this list isn’t in any particular order, this is probably the best way to get over the idea of loving someone. Often, loving the idea of someone comes from us loving them without really knowing them. Maybe we know a few things about them or maybe we’ve had some nice conversations with them—online or in person—but we still don’t know the whole person.
   
   When you find that you’re in love with the idea of someone, a good way to get over it is to get to know the real person in real life. Talk to them and spend time with them to find out who they really are.
   
   This can be in a romantic setting if you’re both up for that, or it could just be as friends. Either way, getting to know the real person is very helpful for erasing the idea you have of them. And if you can’t get to know this person in real life, it will always be the idea of them that you’re in love with.

2. Limit the fantasizing.

   Fantasies can also contribute to us loving only the idea of someone because we generally use them to imagine things we like. Even if we’re imagining doing things with someone that they may not actually enjoy doing—like going on long walks or spending hours in a bookstore—as long as we’re happy and the fantasy makes us feel good, we don’t really care.
   
   This is why, in order to stop loving the idea of someone, it’s good to limit your fantasies of them. And if you do want to continue to have the occasional fantasy, try to make sure you’re imagining things you could actually picture the real person doing. If you’re not sure what that might be, refer again to tip #1.

3. Give yourself reality checks.

   Even when spending time with someone in real life, it’s possible to still be focused more on the idea of them than the real person. Sometimes we feel we love someone so much that, even as we get to know them, our feelings of love may cause us to focus only on the things that support the idea we already have of them and to ignore everything else, like signs of incompatibility.
   
   To avoid this, try to stay aware when you’re interacting with this person. Make sure you pay attention to everything they say and do, not only what pleases you or reinforces the idea you have of them. When you find yourself dwelling on certain things and ignoring everything else, give yourself a reality check and remind yourself to take in the whole person.
   
   Remind yourself that, if you really want to love this person, you have to love the whole person. True love embraces the whole person. It doesn’t focus solely on the parts that please us or that match the mental picture we already have of them.

4. Watch out for idealization.

   Idealization happens when we make a person out to be perfect despite knowing that all humans have flaws. If we insist on seeing someone this way, we’re essentially setting ourselves up for disappointment.
   
   Because eventually they will do something to show that they’re still human, and our idealization of them will make us feel shocked when this happens. But sometimes love can cause us to see people this way.
   
   If you find that you’re someone who tends to idealize people (those of the INFJ personality can be especially prone to this), be mindful of this tendency. Be mindful of the times when you insist on seeing someone as perfect, rather than someone with both lovely qualities and flaws.
   
   One way to tell if you’re doing this is to think of how you would describe this person to yourself. If you insist on only telling yourself the positive things about this person without acknowledging that they even have other traits, you’re probably idealizing them. While you definitely don’t want to emphasize their not-so-pleasant traits, you should still be aware of them to help you stay grounded in reality.

5. Journal.

   Sometimes we may not even be aware of how we’re viewing someone else or what makes us view them this way. Sometimes it helps to see all of this objectively, rather than just letting loving, fluttery feelings dictate how we think about how we feel.
   
   One of the ways we can get this objective perspective is by journaling. When we journal, we allow our mind to run free and express everything it wants to express, including things we might not have been aware of or things we haven’t yet admitted to ourselves.
   
   For instance, you might write something like, “I love spending time with this person!” But then another thought pops into your head that says something like, “But now that I think about it, most of our conversations are pretty superficial. And I would like to go deeper.” This is the kind of realization it can be easier to make when you’re facing your thoughts through journaling.
   
   Once you’re aware of this, you might actually try to have a deeper conversation with this person the next time you get a chance. If you find that they are willing to go deep after all, that’s great. But if you find that they prefer to keep their conversations superficial, at least now you know. And now you can stop entertaining loving feelings that make you think you don’t mind this person’s superficiality.
   
   One of the many things that’s nice about journaling is that you don’t have to fear judgment or criticism when you journal the way you might if you were confiding in someone—unless, of course, you’re judging and criticizing yourself. But since that’s not something that will be very helpful to you, that’s something you definitely want to avoid.
   
   A journal should be a place where you feel free to express your innermost thoughts, feelings, and desires. And so, when you journal about this person, feel free to say what you really think.
   
   And if you’re an INFJ and you happen to be in love with the idea of a crush, responding to these unrequited love journal prompts might help you see your situation more objectively.

Final Thoughts

When you’re in love with the idea of someone, you’re not really being fair to them because you’re not accepting them for who they truly are. This might just be because you don’t know them well yet, in which case getting to know them in real life is essential.

It may be that you are actually compatible with the real person and that you do truly love them. But getting to know them in person is the only way to confirm this.

It could also be that you’re just spending so much time fantasizing about this person or idealizing them that now the person you’re in love with isn’t a real person but a fantasy you’ve created in your mind. Limiting the fantasies and stopping the idealization can help you to see the person for who they are. And journaling can help you get some more objectivity if you need it.

Also, if you’re an INFJ and you find yourself falling in love with someone you just met—which can lead you to fall in love with the idea of them—this post may help. It talks about fantasizing and idealization and also other things you might want to keep in mind.

Now it’s your turn. How would you suggest that someone stop being in love with the idea of someone else?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024