Why Should INFJs Use Logic When Trying to Move On from Unrequited Love?
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I’ve had a lot of unrequited crushes over the years, and I’ve used different strategies to move on from them. But one key strategy has been instrumental in helping me move on from more than one. It’s something INFJs may not usually think to use in matters of the heart, but when it comes to moving on, this one thing can be invaluable.
That one thing is logic.
INFJs prefer to lead with feeling and emotion rather than logic. (The F in INFJ stands for “feeling.”) This means they prefer to use feeling and emotion when making decisions in life, rather than reasoning through them logically. For example, an INFJ would likely buy a car, not because it has the exact set of features they’re looking for, but because they like the way they feel when they’re in the car or when they drive it.
INFJs tend to approach love this way, too. And to be honest, I don’t think the head or logic should be the ultimate decision-maker in matters of the heart. Relationships are often illogical and irrational, and even people with personality types that prefer logic still have feelings and emotions that become factors in relationships.
But the thing about INFJs is, when they lead with feeling and emotion and refuse to consult logic in matters of the heart, they can find themselves in crush situations that aren’t serving them. And one of the reasons they may continue in those situations for so long is because they’re not using logic. They’re still relying on feeling and emotion.
In this post, I talk about how using reason is one thing INFJs can do to move on from a crush. (“Reason” and “logic” are synonymous in this context.) But to give you a better idea of why logic is so important for INFJs who want to move on, here are five reasons.
5 Reasons INFJs Should Use Logic When Moving On from a Crush
Using logic helps you understand why you need to move on.
If someone doesn’t have a good reason for doing something, especially something they don’t really want to do, they’re not going to do it. This is true for people in general, which means it’s true for INFJs. If an INFJ doesn’t have a good reason for moving on from a crush, they’re not going to move on. It’s that simple.
But they might understand on some level that they need to move on. They might sense that the relationship isn’t serving them. Or they might be aware that this person they’re in love with is causing them more pain than joy. But until an INFJ applies logic to the situation, they still won’t see these things as enough reason to move on.Logic allows you to see the situation objectively.
When you’re leading with feeling and emotion, you don’t see things objectively. You’re seeing things the way you want to see them. For instance, if the person you have a crush on doesn’t return your texts or messages in a timely fashion, feeling and emotion will lead you to believe that they have a good reason for not responding quicker.
The thing is, it’s definitely true that they might have a good reason. But what you’re not really grasping is, if they really valued the relationship as much as you do, they would find a way to respond quicker. Just think of how eager you are to respond to their texts or messages.
Think of how you’re willing to stop whatever you’re doing whenever they want to talk. Think about how uncomfortable you would feel not responding to their messages right away or as soon as you could. And think of how sorry you feel when you can’t respond as soon as you would like.
Maybe this person is busy and doesn’t have much time to respond. But if they really wanted to, they would find a way to respond quicker. Or else they would let you know in advance when they can’t and they would try to arrange a time when they can respond to you. If someone really cares about you, they’ll make time for you. If they aren’t, it’s a good sign that they’re not placing as much importance on the relationship as you are.
Feeling and emotion don’t want to hear these things. If you feel a connection to someone, you’re convinced they feel it, too. Or you’re convinced there’s potential for things to change. And even if you have to wait for a long time between responses or interactions, it doesn’t matter when you consider the loving feelings you get when you do have a chance to interact with them.
But logic will help you see the situation objectively so that you understand the waiting in between messages and interactions isn’t fair to you and is most likely a sign that they’re not interested in you the way you are in them. Understanding this can help you move on so you can find someone who is interested.Logic helps to remind you of what you want or deserve.
If you’re lost in loving someone but the love is one-sided, you might actually be lost in the feelings of love you’re experiencing. But if you look deeper, you might find that what you really want is reciprocal love. You want to know what it’s like to love someone and have them return your love. You want to experience a real romantic relationship.
When you’re not using logic, you might not consider how this particular situation isn’t doing that for you. You just know you’re enjoying all the wonderful feelings you get when you think about your crush or when you’re around them or when you talk to them.
But when you use logic, you can take a step back and say, “I deserve better.” You deserve to be loved and cherished by someone who returns your affection. You deserve to be responded to in a timely fashion. You deserve to be treated with dignity. You deserve respect.
You deserve someone who’s there for you the way you’re there for them. When you lead with feeling and emotion, you may forget what it is you really want or what you actually deserve. Logic can help to remind you of these things.Logic can help you understand whether you’re just in love with the idea of your crush.
INFJs have to watch out for falling in love with the idea of their crush. Rather than loving someone for who they are, INFJs can easily fall in love with the fantasy they have of them in their mind. INFJs tend to have active imaginations. As a result, they can create an image of their crush that suits their idea of what an ideal partner would be like, even if their crush isn’t actually that way in real life.
In this post, I present four questions you can ask yourself to find out whether you’re in love with your crush or just the idea of them. But you can’t really know whether you love only the idea of someone if you’re not applying logic to the situation.
Only with logic can you really analyze whether you two are a good fit for each other. For instance, maybe your lifestyles are very different. But because of the feelings of love you’re experiencing, you’re sure you can find a way to make things work. The reality is, though, maybe you’re not ready or willing to do that kind of work. And maybe you’re not considering that you don’t want to be in a relationship where you have to work that hard.
You two also may be vastly different people with opposing values or perspectives on life. Loving feelings can cloud your ability to see how these things would affect any relationship you would hope to have with this person. But logic can help you see things more clearly.Logic can help you see whether the relationship is one-sided.
Unrequited love is technically one-sided love. But sometimes it only appears to be one-sided because you haven’t confessed your feelings to your crush yet and you don’t know how they feel about you. It’s possible that they have feelings for you, too. But it’s also possible that they only see you as a friend.
If they do have feelings for you, though, they’ll probably be showing that in one way or another. And if they don’t, their lack of special attention should be an indication. Even so, if you have strong feelings for them, you may interpret any attention they give you as evidence that they do feel the same way.
But logic can help you see when you’re the one doing most or all of the giving in the relationship. Logic can help you see whether they’re there for you the way you’re there for them. Logic can help you notice when you’re the one who’s always sending the first text or the first message or arranging encounters. Logic can help you notice whether they actively seek out your company or only spend time with you when it’s convenient.
And if you find, with the help of logic, that the relationship is more one-sided, this can make you reconsider confessing your feelings to your crush if you were thinking about doing so. While I do believe people should confess their feelings to the person they like, I think INFJs should be cautious when choosing who to confess to because of how deep their love goes.
Final Thoughts
I hope now you have a better understanding of why logic can be so important for INFJs who want to move on from unrequited love. Of course, every INFJ is different and every crush situation is unique. In some cases, logic may not be what an INFJ needs to move on.
Maybe it’s more important for them to confess their feelings to their crush or express their emotions creatively. And logic alone may not be enough to move on. But I do think that logic can be very helpful for INFJs and feelers in general who are struggling to move on from unrequited love.
I actually talk about the role logic can play in healing and moving on in my framework “The 7 Stages of an INFJ Crush.” If you would like to become more familiar with the seven stages and take a deep dive into them, go ahead and click the picture below.
Now it’s your turn. Why do you think logic is so important for INFJs moving on from a crush?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!