How to Get Over an Unrequited Crush That Has Lasted for Years
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As someone of the INFJ personality type, I know that crushes can be intense and long-lasting. I also know that the person in question doesn’t have to actually be present in someone’s life for the crush to continue. My longest-lasting crush lasted 15 years, and he was only physically present in my life for one of them. (If you’re curious, I talk about this person more in this post and this one.)
After doing the hard work of getting over him, I came to realize that the process really involved four main steps. In this post, I’m going to break them down for you.
But I just want to note one thing before I continue. The first question you have to ask yourself before moving on is, do you really want to move on? If you don’t want to move on, you’re not going to move on. If this person is still offering some service to you, you won’t want to let them go. So, I advise you to continue reading only if you’re truly ready to let go.
4 Steps for Getting Over a Crush That Has Lasted for Years
Step 1: Ask Yourself Why
If you’ve had a long-lasting crush, there’s a reason for it. Before you can move on from this crush, your job is find out the reason. What is it that this person has been doing for you all these years that makes it hard for you to let go? What role do they serve in your life?
Do they give you something to look forward to every day? Does thinking about them making you happy? Do they help you find courage you don’t think you could find on your own? Do they make you feel seen or understood? Do they make you feel special? It’s important to understand what this person does for you before you can move on to Step 2.
You should also ask yourself why you want to let go. Do you want to let go so you’ll be free to love someone else? Do you want to let go because you don’t see a romantic future for you two? Do you want to let go because you don’t see the point in holding on any longer? Do you want to let go because you feel that holding on is keeping you from moving forward? Understanding why you want to let go will help you in your efforts to do so.
But I would advise not trying to move on from this crush without seeing whether there’s potential for a romantic future for you two. If you know there’s no future for you guys—like, if you already confessed and they said they’re not interested—I think it’s fine if you want to let go. But just make sure you’re not letting go prematurely.
Don’t let fear be the reason you move on from this crush without exploring the potential for romance to blossom. At least, that would be my advice. But, of course, you’re free to move on without confessing if you want to.
Step 2: Thank Them
If this person has had any sort of presence in your life, even if only in your mind, they’ve been serving you in some way. You’ve already asked yourself how they’ve been doing that in Step 1. Now is the time to thank them for what they’ve done.
If they’ve made you feel special, thank them for that. If they’ve helped you find courage, thank them for that. If they’ve made you feel seen and understood, thank them for that. If they make you happy, thank them for that.
And when I say thank them, you can thank them in person. But you might actually prefer to thank them in a different way, like in a letter you don’t send or an art form like a poem or a song. This way, you can express yourself fully without having to worry about what they might think.
You can thank them in person or in a note for a few things they do—things you don’t mind them knowing. But if you really want to be honest with yourself about all they do for you, you’ll probably want to reserve those thanks for something more personal or something you don’t share with anyone.
Step 3: Say Goodbye
For me, I did Steps 2 and 3 together. I ended up writing my crush a song where I both thanked him for what he did for me and said goodbye. But it’s important to understand that these are two distinct steps.
In this step, you recognize that you don’t need this person to perform that service or those services for you anymore. For example, if you thanked them for making you feel special, you can say something like, “While I appreciate you making me feel special for all these years, I realize that I am special and I don’t need anyone to make me feel that way.”
Or you can say something like, “While I’m grateful for you adding to my happiness, I would like to find someone who makes me happy and who returns my love.”
Again, you might not want to thank this person for these things directly to them. You can express them through your medium of choice. The idea is to say a symbolic goodbye to this person so you know you no longer need them to do or be what they’ve been doing or being for you all these years.
Step 4: Recognize That They Will Most Likely Always Be Part of You
If you’ve managed to hold onto this crush for years, it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to let go of them completely any time soon—or ever. Most likely, you’re someone who loves deeper than most, which means the people you love will always have a special place in your heart.
But it doesn’t have to be a romantic place anymore. It can just be a warm place where they stay without interfering with your ability to love someone new with your whole heart.
Final Thoughts
Just because I mentioned that there are only four steps to this process, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. And I definitely don’t think you should try to move on before you’re ready. When you are ready, though, you’ll find the process to be much easier.
Also know that, even after you’ve let this person go, you may feel the occasional longing for them even years later. It’s because they’ve left such a strong imprint on your heart and mind. That kind of imprint is very hard to erase, which is why this person will most likely always be part of you.
But once you’ve let go, you can feel those longings and let them pass. And then you can just go on with your life, and wish them well with theirs.
Now I turn it to you. How would you move on from a crush that has lasted for years?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Or if you’re an INFJ who’s looking for a refuge where you’re free to feel all your intense crush feelings while also getting advice on how to handle them, you might want to check out INFJ Crush Corner. Click here to learn more.
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!
Last updated: December 13, 2024