Lessons I Learned from My Experience With Limerence
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Unrequited love and limerence have their similarities, but they’re not quite the same. Limerence is an extreme form of unrequited love, which is when you’re essentially obsessed with your crush and can find it hard to function in daily life.
I’ve had much more experience with unrequited love than I have with limerence. But I would count one of my crushes as a case of limerence. And in this post, I’m sharing some lessons I learned from it.
The Limerent Crush
This crush was on a celebrity I never met, although I did see him in concert twice. But I had an intense desire to meet him and tell him how I felt and see if there was any potential for a romantic relationship between us.
While I was crushing on him many years ago, I wrote a collection of typed journal entries and he was a common subject in them. It’s only looking back that I realize, when I read what I wrote, what I was experiencing wasn’t just a crush or unrequited love but limerence.
I hadn’t heard of limerence back then, so I couldn’t have known that’s what I was experiencing. But I do wish I had taken the time to read over those entries after writing them. Maybe then I would have at least realized how obsessive my love had become and how unhealthy my thoughts about my crush were.
This is why I encourage people of the INFJ personality type to read back over their journal entries when using journaling as an outlet for their crushes. I include this advice in Lesson 8 of my guide called “The Ultimate Guide to INFJ Crushes.” If you like, you can read that lesson here. But, really, the advice in that guide could be helpful for anyone who finds that they love deeper than most.
Lessons About Moving On from Limerence
I don’t know how easy it is for limerence to flourish when you’re actively engaged with something else in your life. When you have something actively occupying your mind. Because I realize that I lived in a sort of fantasy world for most my life, it was easy for me to lose myself with distractions like unrequited love. And I believe that also opened the door to limerence.
I did eventually move on from that crush, partially by finding someone new to crush on. But I have to say, it’s refreshing to be able to listen to this celebrity’s music and not feel an intense desire to enter a relationship with him. I can just admire his talent and appreciate his artistry.
But here are a few things I would have told my younger self to help her move on even if she didn’t find a new crush.
3 Tips for Getting Over Limerence for Someone
#1: Find something active to occupy your mind.
I did have other things to do even while I was crushing on this celebrity. But I didn’t have any all-consuming activities occupying my mind.
I notice that my mind likes to attach to things or people. For the longest time, people were the main attachment it would choose. But I’ve been doing a lot of self-discovery work and I’ve been analyzing past crushes. And I’ve realized that all this time, I’ve loved the feeling of being in love but haven’t really wanted the reality of a real-life relationship, something I talk more about in this post.
Now I’m choosing to focus more on other things, and I’ve found that to be helpful for the way my mind works. But my focus has to be on things I’m actually interested in. It would have been nice, though, if I tried to focus on other things back then rather than using so much emotional energy crushing on this celebrity.
#2: Focus more on you.
Limerence requires you to be outward-focused. It means you’re constantly thinking about someone else and making them the center of your life and world. In all that focus, you’re not really paying that much attention to you.
When dealing with limerence, I think it can be helpful to turn your focus inward. Take inventory of your life. Are you happy with how things are? Are you happy with your work and your relationships? Do you feel fulfilled or like you have a sense of purpose? Or is your life mostly bland and boring except for your thoughts and fantasies about your crush?
If you have hobbies or interests you’ve been neglecting, get back into them. I understand how hard it can be to make anything else seem even half as interesting as your crush. But be patient with yourself.
If you’re a painter, for instance, just try to spend a few hours a week painting. Or try to discover new hobbies and interests if you don’t have any. The idea is to gradually give your mind other things to focus on that directly benefit you. All those moments you’re spending focusing on things that make you happy are moments you’re not losing yourself in your crush. That’s a way of reclaiming your power.
And while you can and should use art to express your crush feelings if you consider yourself artistic, don’t forget that you can use your art to express other things, too. As much as you can, try to lean into those other things. And try to also immerse yourself in hobbies or interests that don’t automatically lead you to dwell on crush feelings.
#3: Try to move your own life forward.
In addition to not losing myself in anything all-consuming, I wasn’t making active efforts to move my life forward when I had this crush. I was still in college at the time, but I didn’t have a clear plan on how I was going to use my major, then double major, to actually start a career afterward.
I had artistic inclinations, too. And even when I decided to focus on them rather than pursuing something directly related to my major, I still didn’t have a clear plan about how to start a creative career with my art (music and writing). I didn’t even understand the concept of consistency or the importance of experimentation.
Religious beliefs I had at the time also convinced me that I didn’t really need to have a plan. The plan would be revealed. My job was just to wait. And so, it made sense that if I was waiting, I was waiting for someone to come rescue me in some sense, like a romantic partner.
It wasn’t until much later, when I became spiritual not religious, that I finally realized it’s on me to move my life forward. It was easier to think that a crush was my way out. And I continued to believe that a crush or romantic partner would be my way out for many years.
I am glad, though, that I didn’t try to actively pursue some sort of artistic or creative career earlier. After all the changes I’ve been through and the self-discovery work I’ve done, I realize that any art I had put out earlier wouldn’t have been a reflection of my true self. But I imagine that if I wasn’t so fixated on the idea of waiting for a plan and on the wonderful feelings associated with my various crushes, I might have realized sooner that I was responsible for making progress in my own life.
Limerence can cause you to put your life on hold. You might find yourself waiting to see where things go with you and your crush before making any big changes. And so you don’t make them. But if your crush isn’t reciprocating your feelings and if you don’t think there’s real potential for a romantic relationship between you two, I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is to focus on building a life that feels fun and fulfilling to you.
Final Thoughts
People may have different experiences with limerence. Some may experience it because, as was the case for me, they don’t have much else going on in their life and their mind is choosing to use another person to cope with life or escape from it or both. They may also struggle with low self-esteem or a low sense of self-worth, which means they’re more likely to place a higher value on another person. Or they may experience it for other reasons more specific to them.
I’m not going to judge anyone who’s dealing with limerence. I’ve dealt with it myself. But I would say that, if I could, I would go back and give my younger self the advice I just shared above.
I probably would give her that advice with respect to all her unrequited crushes, especially the ones that made her feel small or unworthy in some way. But I wish I could have devoted even half the energy and attention I gave to my crushes to instead pursuing my own goals and dreams. I imagine my life would look very different right now if I had done that.
But anyway, life is about learning and growing. So, it’s all part of the process.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If unrequited love or limerence is making you more of a supporting character than a main character in your own story, you may want to rewrite it. If so, my Narrative Correction services are for you. They’ll empower you to stop using crushes as an escape from reality so you can take back control of your life. Simply click here to learn more.
Or if one-sided love has been a pattern for you, you may want to look deeper to find out what role your crushes have been playing in your life so you can uncover your true desires. If so, you might want to look into my Romantic Narrative Assessment. You can click the image below to find out more.
A written analysis of the story your crushes are telling you.
If you’re tired of wondering why all your crushes are unrequited, this analysis will deconstruct your recurring crush patterns so you understand the role these crushes have played in your life.
The Basic Version of the assessment includes a written analysis of your romantic patterns, which will analyze your crushes to uncover what you truly desire.
Note: The advice presented here is for informational purposes only. If you’re in need of professional counseling or therapy, please see a qualified professional.