How Can Introverts Develop Deeper Friendships?

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If you’re an introvert, there’s a good chance that you prefer having a few quality friendships over having several superficial ones. But you might have discovered that it can be a challenge to find these quality friendships. And if you’re an introverted adult, you might have also found it harder to make friends now than it was before.

So, what is an introvert to do? How can they find and develop those deep friendships in spite of these challenges? Here are five ways.

5 Ways Introverts Can Deepen Their Friendships

1. Write.

   Introverts are known to enjoy expressing themselves in writing. It allows them time to think through what they’re going to say before they say it. And it takes away some of the pressure of having to express themselves adequately in real time. I’ve found that writing is a great way for introverts to develop deep friendships, which I talk about more in this post.
   
   Sometimes people may not think of all the deep things they want to say or discuss when in person. Or maybe they don’t feel comfortable discussing them in person. But when they’re ready, they can easily put whatever thoughts do surface in writing and share them when they’re more or less coherent.
   
   Of course, if you’re an introvert trying to develop a deeper friendship with an extrovert, you do have to understand that this may not be their preferred way to communicate. So, this might be a better way to deepen your friendships with a fellow introvert. Still, you might find that some extroverts surprise you in their willingness to write in-depth letters, so don’t underestimate the power of writing to bring meaning to relationships.

2. Be willing to be vulnerable.

   One thing that gives depth to relationships is the willingness to be vulnerable. This isn’t the easiest of things to do, which is one reason many people prefer to stay in the realm of the superficial.
   
   When you’re vulnerable, you’re displaying your weaknesses, which many people see as a sign of weakness. And it also makes people feel open and exposed, which they may interpret as putting them at risk for hurt. This is why people may prefer to put up walls rather than letting people in.
   
   For the record, vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes great courage to be open and share the parts of you that you would rather keep hidden.
   
   While I believe it’s important to have healthy boundaries, I don’t see that as being the same as being unwilling to be vulnerable. You may have to be selective about who you’re vulnerable with, but when you do find someone you can trust with even your most fragile emotions, don’t be afraid to go deep. Don’t be afraid to be open about your insecurities.
   
   When you’re willing to let people see this side of you, it allows them to share their vulnerable side. And the more vulnerable you are together, the deeper your relationship can go, and the more meaningful it will become.

3. Seek out friends who want to go deep.

   There’s nothing like being with someone who shares your desire to go deep. If you want to go deep with them, you don’t have to explain anything. They’ll already understand because they’re looking for the same thing. So, if you want to enjoy a deep friendship with someone, it helps to find someone who also wants a deep friendship.
   
   If you’re into personality typing, for instance, I find that INFJ and INFP personality types in particular love to go deep. They’re willing to discuss all manner of deep subjects (see #4) with anyone who’s willing to engage them in conversation, whether it be history, philosophy, spirituality, or the meaning of life.
   
   But, of course, these aren’t the only personality types that like to go deep. And when it comes to personality types, I think certain pairings in the 4-letter Myers-Briggs system actually make for better friendships than others.
   
   For example, I believe intuitive types (those with an N as their second letter) get along well with other intuitive types. Similarly, I believe thinking types (those with a T as their third letter) tend to understand and be more easily understood by other thinking types.
   
   If you find someone who understands you on a deep level, it will be easier to go deep with them than with someone else. But as long as you find someone who’s willing to listen to you and go deep with you, you’ve found a winner.

4. Bond over deep interests.

   If you find someone who enjoys some of the same movies as you, that might be a way to start a friendship. But if you want to develop that friendship into something deeper, you’re going to have to bond over deeper interests.
   
   Maybe after finding out you enjoy some of the same movies, you also discover that you share certain life philosophies. Go ahead and discuss those more. Or maybe you have similar views of the universe or similar questions about the universe. You can go deep there, too.

   
   And if you are talking about movies, you can discuss some of the deeper meanings and messages in them. In that way, even seemingly superficial interests can become deep. The main thing is to move relationships from the realm of the superficial as soon as you can. So, if you find that your friendship isn’t going as deep as you would like, it might be up to you to try to go deeper (more on that in #5).

5. Ask to go deeper.

   If you feel a deeper, more meaningful friendship is possible with someone you’re currently friends with, ask them if they would be willing to deepen the friendship. Ask if they would be willing to go get coffee with you once a week or every other week to have deep discussions. Or if they prefer to communicate in writing, ask if they would be willing to correspond with you more and go deep there.
   
   Sometimes you don’t have to look far for those deeper friendships you seek. While it’s true that not everyone in your social circle might be able to offer you the depth you’re looking for, one or two friends might be up for it. Maybe they were just waiting for someone else to take the initiative. And when it comes to deep friendships, one or two is really all you need.

Final Thoughts

It’s definitely possible for introverts to develop deeper, more meaningful friendships. And they can do this even as adults, whether with people they already know or people they’re just getting to know. While it may take time to find people to share these friendships with and also for those friendships to go deep, if depth is what you seek, I believe it’s worth the time and effort it takes to get there.

Now I turn it to you. How would you suggest introverts develop deeper friendships?

~ Ashley C.