4 Well-Meaning Tips That Haven’t Helped Me Make Friends as an Introvert—And What Has Worked

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

I’ve tried some of the advice out there about how introverts can make friends as an adult. And I’ve found that, while much of that advice is well-meaning, it hasn’t really helped me make friends. In this post, I’m going to tell you about four tips in particular that haven’t been of much use to me. But then I’m also going to mention what has worked.

4 Things That Haven’t Helped Me Make Friends as an Introvert

1. Joining clubs.

   I’ll admit that I haven’t joined a club since I was in college. But even back then, I never really connected with any of the people in those clubs. In fact, I once went to the first meeting of a club that really interested me, but I was made to feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome that I never went back.
   
   If you can find a club where all the members are passionate about the club’s topic, that might be a place to find friends. But it just so happened that the club whose topic I was most passionate about was the one where I was made to feel the most unwelcome.
   
   Maybe my experience with clubs would have been different if I had been able to continue with that one. But as it was, I never found a club where I felt like I belonged or where I felt other people were interested in making friends, so I never made friends that way.

2. Bonding over shared interests.

   Having one or two shared interests isn’t enough for me to consider someone a friend or to want to approach them hoping for friendship. I have to sense that they’re willing to go deep with me or at least that they’ll accept me as I am. Many people are fine keeping relationships and conversations on a superficial level, which is fine if it works for them. But that’s not something that works for me.
   
   But, of course, having shared interests is great for starting conversations. And you can build deep friendships from the relationships that start with shared interests. But if my connection with someone stops at the interests we share, it’s unlikely that a deep or lifelong friendship will form.

3. Going to events.

   One thing I’ve noticed about going to events is that, often, the people there aren’t interested in making friends. Often, they come with their own friends or partners and they seem to be perfectly content with things the way they are. That makes it hard for people who are looking for friends to connect with fellow attendees.
   
   I remember one event in particular that I went to. I sat down at a table in front of someone who seemed to be around my age, and she was alone. In true introvert fashion, it was taking me some time to work up the courage to say something to her in the way of small talk. But by the time I found my voice, she had moved to another table where she could sit with her friends or at least people she knew.
   
   This occurrence gave me a deep feeling of sadness—first, because I felt I lost an opportunity to make a new acquaintance. And second, because seeing this person go sit at a table with people she knew reminded me of how much I long for deep connection and how hard it can be for me to find it.

4. Getting out more.

   We introverts do love and value our alone time. So, it takes us a lot of effort to get out of the comfort of our own home and “go out.” I’ll admit I don’t often make an effort to go out on my own when I don’t have to, but I do try to occasionally. Still, I’ve discovered that going out is not the ideal time to make friends. Often, people are already engaged in their own thing when I go out.
   
   So, if I wanted to, say, start talking to someone at a coffee shop, I would have to compete with either the book they’re reading, the phone they’re focused on, or whatever they’re listening to through their earbuds. Since I’m not one for competition or bothering people already engaged in an activity, this means I’m left to just sip and stare. This is especially true if, like in #3, they’re already with friends or partners.
   
   I’ve even noticed the trend people have now of wearing earbuds when they go to the store so they’re always connected to something or someone when they go out. While this may be a good way to stay connected or to block out distractions, it makes it very hard to approach them. Then again, maybe that’s exactly what they’re hoping for.

Now here are two things that have helped me make friends.

2 Key Things That Have Helped Me Make Friends as an Introvert

1. Writing.

   In my experience, introverts connect well with other people—and in particular, other introverts—through writing. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with other people have been through writing, especially emails. And that’s one of the main ways I’ve kept in touch with the few friends I do have.
   
   One thing I love about writing is that you don’t have to be on the same schedule as someone else to write them an email or a letter. You can write whenever you have time and they can respond whenever they have time. This is much more convenient than trying to coordinate a day and time to go out and have lunch, for instance.
   
   Of course, there’s nothing like having a face-to-face conversation with someone you know well and who you know you can be yourself with. But when keeping in touch with friends and especially when making new friends as an introvert, I think writing is the way to go.

2. Making an effort.

   For me, making an effort means being the first one to send a message or an email to someone you would like to be friends with. It could also mean you’re the one to ask if someone would like to go out and have coffee.
   
   If you want to make friends as an adult, you have to put in some effort. Just like in a romantic relationship, sometimes you have to be the one to make the first move. But if you are sincere in wanting to make friends, it’s worth it to make the effort.

Final Thoughts

Please know that while the first four tips I gave haven’t helped me make friends, that doesn’t mean they won’t help other introverts make friends. Every person is different, so every person will need to use a different strategy when it comes to friend-making.

Just know that you don’t have to become an extrovert or a social butterfly to make friends as an introverted adult. You just have to leverage the natural gifts and abilities you already have. And if you’ve tried strategies that don’t work for you, try other strategies until you find the ones that do.

Now it’s your turn. If you’re an introvert, what has and hasn’t helped you make friends as an adult? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.