How Can You Encourage an INFJ to Speak Up When Something Is Bothering Them?

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INFJs tend to be peacekeepers. This means they like to do what they can to avoid conflict and promote harmony. While this can be a wonderful quality, it can cause problems when an INFJ neglects to speak up about what’s bothering them.

One way to avoid the potential issues this might cause is to make sure your INFJ feels comfortable sharing their feelings. If you would like some advice on how to do that, here are four tips.

4 Ways to Make an INFJ Feel Comfortable Sharing Their Feelings

1. Let them know it’s safe to share their feelings.

   Simply telling your INFJ from time to time that it’s ok if they share their feelings with you will do wonders for your relationship. Since good communication is key for healthy relationships, telling them this will let them know that you don’t mind if they’re honest with you about how they feel.
   
   But when you tell them this, make sure you really mean it. Don’t say it and then become defensive when they actually try to share their feelings (more on that in #3).
   
   If you do this, your INFJ will start to think that your words are hollow and they’ll have trouble trusting what you say. Plus, they’ll be even more reluctant to speak up—even if you continue to tell them it’s fine.
   
   So, after you tell them that it’s safe for them to share their feelings with you, make sure you follow through with your commitment to being open to what they have to share. The other items on this list can help you do that.

2. Listen actively when they speak.

   This may sound like an easy one, but active listening actually requires a lot of effort. And when I talk about active listening, it’s really another way of saying to listen mindfully and without judgment.
   
   When your INFJ is speaking, try not to let your mind wander. Be really in the moment when they speak. Listen to every word they say and, as much as you can, try to pick up on nonverbal cues like the tone of their voice—which may actually be able to tell you more than what they’re saying.
   
   And then don’t pass judgment on what they say. Just focus on making appropriate comments at appropriate times, to let them know that you were paying attention. When your INFJ senses that you listen actively to everything they say, they’ll be more inclined to speak up when something is bothering them.

3. Don’t get defensive when they do speak up.

   When your INFJ notices that something is bothering them, they may actually try to voice their concerns—in their quiet INFJ way, of course. You should know that if your INFJ is speaking up about something, it’s not to be taken lightly. Most likely, this thing had been bothering them for a long time and they wouldn’t even be bringing it up if they didn’t feel it had the potential to cause problems in your relationship.
   
   If you get defensive when they do this, they’ll probably choose not to bring it up again. This doesn’t mean the matter was resolved, only that they’re choosing not to bother you with it. And they may also be reluctant to mention anything else that bothers them in the future.
   
   If this sort of behavior is recurring, it’s the kind of thing that might lead an INFJ to leave a relationship altogether. If they’re not comfortable sharing when something is bothering them, that’s not a relationship they’ll feel comfortable in.
   
   But if you listen when your INFJ mentions that something is bothering them and really hear them out, then work toward a mutually beneficial solution, your INFJ will learn that it really is safe to share their feelings with you. And that will encourage them to tell you when something is bothering them in the future.

4. Be respectful of their needs.

   When you show your INFJ that you’re respectful of their needs, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing when any of them is going unmet. While INFJs do tend to have many needs in common—things like alone time, downtime after socializing, creativity, and deep conversation—every INFJ is also unique and will have needs unique to them.
   
   You may not be aware of all your INFJ’s needs, and that’s fine. That’s why it’s so important that you be open to hearing them out when they tell you their needs aren’t being met or simply that something is bothering them.
   
   When you stay open, you allow yourself to learn more about your INFJ and their unique needs, which will allow you to help them meet them. And when they sense that you care enough about them to help them meet their needs, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with you.

Final Thoughts

I hope now you have a better idea of some of the things you can do to encourage open communication between you and the special INFJ in your life. As with most things, the items on this list will require practice and patience.

For instance, if you’re not used to listening mindfully when your INFJ is speaking, you might have to make a conscious effort to be fully present when they speak—constantly redirecting your mind to the conversation until it becomes natural.

Or if you’re used to getting defensive whenever they try to tell you something is bothering them, you’ll have to practice staying open and being willing to hear them out. And if your INFJ is used to you becoming defensive, you’ll have to find ways to encourage them to give you new opportunities to try to be better. But with practice and patience, it can be done.

Now it’s your turn. How do you think you can encourage an INFJ to speak up when something is bothering them?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: September 22, 2023