How Can INFJs Stop Overthinking Their Crushes?
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We INFJs can be prone to overthinking. It comes with spending so much time in our head. Even though we’re feelers, meaning we lead with feeling and emotion rather than reason and logic, we still spend a lot of time thinking about things. This can be especially evident when it comes to crushes.
Overthinking is what can cause us to read more into situations than we need to. It can cause us to lose ourselves in ruminating about every interaction we have with our crush, which can lead to one-sided love. And it can also cause us to do things like panic when our crush doesn’t respond right away to our messages.
This is why I give some of the advice in this post when it comes to INFJs texting their crushes. The advice is intended to help INFJs hold onto their sanity while crushing on someone.
But here, I would like to give advice to INFJs on how they can stop overthinking crush matters.
4 Ways INFJs Can Stop Overthinking Crushes
Stay busy.
Sometimes our mind can overthink things because we’re not giving it enough other real stuff to concern itself with. Staying busy is a way to keep yourself from letting your mind wander and ruminate too much when it comes to your crush.
But when I talk about staying busy, I don’t mean you should just be doing idle things to pass the time. You should be doing things that are meaningful to you. Just make sure that whatever activity or activities you choose require the use of both your mind and body—things like writing a story, learning a new exercise routine, or learning a new skill of any kind. I find that this is the best type of distraction for crush thoughts.Ask yourself, “Is this serving me?”
When you notice your mind turning over thoughts of your crush, it can be useful to stop and ask yourself whether the commentary you’re listening to is actually serving you.
For instance, is it helping you make a decision over whether or not to confess your feelings to your crush? Is it helping to remind you that, even though your crush is showing you attention, it doesn’t automatically mean that they have feelings for you? Is it helping you remember not to panic because your crush didn’t respond to a message right away?
If you find that your thoughts aren’t helping, make a note of that. Make a note of whether you want to keep letting them go off on their own in unhelpful directions or whether you want to try applying the next tactic to help you refocus.Redirect your thoughts.
When you find that your thoughts are turning over crush matters incessantly, you can take the reins and redirect your thoughts where you want them to go.
For instance, if you find your mind replaying a conversation you had with your crush and trying to convince you that, even though they didn’t say it in so many words, this conversation must have meant that your crush is feeling something for you, you can steer your mind more toward reason and logic.
You can instead tell yourself, “It’s true that the conversation could have meant that they feel something for me, but we don’t know each other that well yet. So, let me give this some time and go focus on other things while we get to know each other better.”
Or maybe you confessed your feelings to your crush and they gave you nothing more than a vague answer. Your overactive mind might come up with all sorts of reasons why they did this and it will also likely try to convince you to keep holding on anyway.
But you can choose to redirect your thoughts to tell yourself things like, “You know, I was very clear with them about how I feel, so it’s only fair that they share clearly how they feel about me. I’m worthy of a clear response. Their vague response says that they’re dealing with their own issues, but this isn’t a reflection of me. And I don’t know if I want to continue crushing on them if they’re not willing to be honest with me about something like this.”
These are examples of using what I call the active voice in your head, which you can learn more about here. But basically, you use the active voice when you’re consciously talking to yourself, rather than just mindlessly letting your mind go where it wants. I call that the passive voice, which I also refer to in that post.
When it comes to crush thoughts, if you find that they’re not really serving you (see #2), you might want to use the active voice in your mind to redirect them to something more useful.Take action.
Sometimes we can overthink things as a way to avoid taking action on them. It’s much easier to turn scenarios over and over in our mind than to actually act on whatever it is we’re thinking about.
But if you would like to have a relationship with your crush someday, you’re going to have to take action on your feelings in the real world. One way you can do that is by confessing your feelings to your crush.
While I have strong feelings about INFJs confessing to their crush—which I talk about more in this post—confessing is a way to move your relationship forward. At the very least, if you confess your feelings, you’ll give your crush a chance to share theirs. And when you’re more aware of how they feel, it can put you in a better position to know what to do next—like start dating or try to move on.
When you’re not taking action, you’re just letting your mind run wild with thoughts and fantasies that may or may not have anything to do with what you know of your crush in real life. This can lead you to fall in love with the idea of them, not the real person. But if you find you’re not ready to confess, you might also want to consider asking your crush on a date or just getting to know them better in real life.
And if you find that your relationship is more one-sided but you would like to find out if it could become more substantial, your action might be to bring this subject up with your crush. Ask if they ever intend to give more to the relationship or whether they feel comfortable with the way things are. This can also help you find clarity on what next step you should take so you can stop overthinking so much.
But just be careful that the actions you take are actually healthy. It is possible for you to have crush feelings that are so strong that they prompt you to do some unhealthy or out-of-character things, like the behaviors I mention here. This is also something you want to avoid. If you’re going to take action, let it be action that will help you move forward in some way.
An Example of INFJ Overthinking
Now I would like to share with you an example of how overthinking can play out when an INFJ has a crush on someone.
I wrote a story called “What Happens After You Confess Your Feelings to Someone?” It’s about a high school sophomore named Chloe who’s deeply in love with a junior at her school named Mordecai. Although the story never explicitly says that Chloe is an INFJ, her behavior and thought processes show that she is one.
Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 10 to give you a taste of what it can look like when an INFJ overthinks every message they send to their crush. (Chloe’s instant messaging or IM name is Simplesnowflake.)
In addition to doing homework, I spend all Saturday waiting for Mordecai to message me on IM. I see that he’s on most of the day, but he never sends me a message. It’s awful, wanting to talk to him, knowing he’s just a message away, but being resolved to ignore him. When he finally signs off, I hope he’ll call. But he doesn’t. And he doesn’t call on Sunday either, nor does he go online. The entire next week goes by without me hearing a word from him.
The following Saturday, I start doing homework without going on IM. If he’s on, I don’t want to see that he’s ignoring me. But I can’t resist after a certain point—specifically once I hit NSL. I sign on, and I see that he’s on. But I focus on my homework.
For a while.
But then it becomes too much, wondering what he’s doing or thinking and why he’s still ignoring me. I open a new message window and begin typing, “hey.” But then I think, what if he’s just about to message me? Or what if he’s going to message me in a minute or two? I don’t want to send him a message and look weak or desperate. So, I close the window.
But two minutes pass, and still he hasn’t reached out. I open a new window and prepare another “hey” to send him. But again I freeze, wondering what will happen if I just wait one more minute. I close the window. One minute passes. Two minutes. Five minutes. He hasn’t messaged me yet, and who knows how close he is to signing off. I have to message him and end the silence—and the insanity.
Simplesnowflake: long time no talk
I send the message, but it’s too late. He signs off the second after it goes through. I don’t even know if he had time to see it before he left. I feel so stupid. I should have just messaged him when I first wanted to.
Thoughts on the Excerpt
This sample shows just how an INFJ’s overthinking mind can keep them from actually taking action when it comes to something as simple as sending a message to their crush. Chloe happens to not be the biggest fan of NSL, which is why it’s easier for her to get distracted by the noise in her head when she has to study it.
But Chloe could have instead chosen to redirect those thoughts to something more useful. She could have decided to just let Mordecai send her a message if he wanted to talk. And if he didn’t want to, she could have busied herself with other things that engaged her mind more—after she finished with her NSL homework, of course.
But Chloe clearly doesn’t have enough to occupy her mind, and so she finds it easy to get lost in its ramblings about whether or not to send a message.
By the way, this story is included in INFJ Crush Corner, a members only area of the Questions and Tisane website. It’s a refuge for INFJs who are dealing with intense crushes. If you’re an INFJ looking for a place where you can feel all your intense crush feelings while also getting in-depth advice on how to handle them, you can click here to learn more.
Final Thoughts
Overthinking is one of the things that can lead INFJs to hold onto crushes they really should be walking away from. That combined with fantasizing is what provides the main fuel for unrequited love.
But staying busy with their own stuff and redirecting unhelpful thoughts can help INFJs avoid overthinking when it comes to their crushes. This, in turn, can put them in a better position to apply logic to their situation, which can help them know whether they should hold onto their crush or try letting go.
Also, rather than just thinking about their crush, they can also consider taking action in the real world to help move things along.
Now it’s your turn. How do you think INFJs can stop overthinking their crushes?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Last updated: January 7, 2025