Does Your Crush Disappear and Reappear Often? What This Behavior Might Be Telling You
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Something I find sad is how willing I’ve been to wait around for someone who wasn’t being consistent in their relationship with me. I’ve had plenty of experience with crushes that disappear and then reappear. And I know how willing I’ve been to let someone with this behavior pattern back into my life again and again.
Of course, people may have their reasons for needing to disappear from time to time. Maybe they’re really busy. Or maybe they have their own stuff that they’re dealing with. But this shouldn’t be a pattern, especially not one you want in someone you’re hoping becomes a romantic partner for you.
This habit of disappearing and reappearing shows a serious lack of consistency. And it shows that this person isn’t committed to the relationship they have with you.
What Does This Look Like?
Disappearing and reappearing can take many forms. It can look like someone spending time with you but then going away for long stretches and then not communicating with you much when they do. Maybe this person travels for work or for pleasure, but when they leave, they don’t make much of an effort to keep in touch.
It can look like your crush doing something that made you sad or angry and then reaching out to apologize or reconnect only after significant time has passed, rather than trying to make up for it right away.
In the case of an online crush or someone you talk to mostly online, it can look like you enjoying some nice conversations with them, but then them not responding to your messages for a while. You may or may not send other messages in the meantime, but they’re not sending you much of anything.
If you’re into personality typing, I know that INFJs can be especially susceptible to this waiting around for a call or a message from our crush. (I consider myself an INFJ.) For us, the few interactions that we do have with our crush can become so significant that they can cause us to overlook those long stretches without communication. We can find numerous ways to explain away this behavior, few of which lead us to believe that maybe our crush just isn’t interested in us romantically.
Because if they were and if they were serious about trying to start some sort of relationship, they would be more consistent. They would be reaching out more. When they aren’t, we should be able to take this as a sign that they’re either not interested or not in a position to enter a relationship with us—for example, maybe they’re not emotionally mature enough to handle that level of consistency.
And rather than waiting around for them to get their act together, we might consider whether it would be better for us to try moving on. Applying logic to our situation could be very helpful here, as opposed to relying solely on feeling and emotion.
What This Behavior Means for You
If your crush sees the relationship you share as nothing more than friendship, they might not see this behavior as being an issue. And it’s true that if you are just friends, they don’t really have to have the same level of consistency with you that you would expect from a romantic partner. (Even so, if you’re good friends who talk often, they should at least give you notice before they intend to disappear.)
But you don’t want this kind of behavior in someone you would like to start a romantic relationship with. And if this is a habit in your crush or crushes you’ve had, it’s a sign that they’re not taking your relationship seriously.
Now, again, they may have their reasons for disappearing and reappearing. Maybe, like I said, they only see your relationship as a friendship, so they don’t see a need for consistency. Or maybe they’re dealing with a lack of emotional maturity, which makes it hard for them to be there for you the way you would like them to. Or maybe they’re only interested in what you can do for them, so they come back only when they need something.
Whatever the reason they have for this behavior, this is definitely something you want to watch out for in a crush. And if this is a pattern, you might want to consider crushing on someone else—someone who will be there for you consistently and not disappear then come back at random.
If you find your crush to be a good-hearted person, you could also try asking them for more consistency. Let them know what you’re really looking for in your relationship. But if they can’t or won’t agree to it or if they can’t break the habit of disappearing and reappearing even after trying, again, you might want to walk away.
An Example
I’ve written a story that deals with a disappearing and reappearing crush. Chloe is the main character of the story, and she’s in love with a boy at her school named Mordecai. While they do start off with something of a friendship, Mordecai has a habit of disappearing and reappearing. And Chloe can’t seem to stop herself from letting him back in every time he returns.
This is an excerpt from Chapter 6 of the story that shows an instant messaging or IM chat they had one time Mordecai reached out to Chloe after disappearing for a while. The excerpt also shares some of Chloe’s commentary about the situation. (Chloe is Simplesnowflake and Mordecai is More2come81.)
More2come81: so what, ur never going to talk to me again?
Simplesnowflake: what?
More2come81: u haven’t talked to me since we got back to school
More2come81: even before that
Simplesnowflake: i thought u were mad at me
More2come81: y?
Simplesnowflake: cuz i brought up tanya when u were still in pain over losing her
More2come81: oo that
More2come81: yeah just ignore that
More2come81: i was just PMSing or something
Simplesnowflake: lol
Simplesnowflake: do u even know what PMS stands for?
More2come81: sure i do
More2come81: pathetic man syndrome
More2come81: or maybe it’s pitiful man syndrome
More2come81: 1 of those 2
More2come81: i always forget which
Simplesnowflake: *smiles*
Simplesnowflake: and how r u feeling now?
More2come81: much better now that i’m talking to u
More2come81: how r u?
More2come81: how’s ur new year been so far?Mordecai and I have a long conversation that day—about two hours of nonstop chatting. I’m ecstatic to see that my Mordecai has returned, and I wish I could hold onto him forever. I hope there’ll be no more mood swings—no more PMSing. But I know I’ll love him no matter what.
Thoughts on the Excerpt
Mordecai has a way of making Chloe feel special, but his lack of consistency also causes her emotional pain. Even so, her connection to him feels so strong that she’s willing to put up with it. And the story shows what she has to go through as a result. (Just so you know, although the story doesn’t say this directly, Chloe is an INFJ.)
Sometimes it can be helpful to look at someone else going through a situation like this. When we’re the one dealing with the disappearing and reappearing crush, for example, can we have a hard time seeing our situation objectively. We can have a hard time detaching emotionally and applying logic to what’s going on. But when we see someone else dealing with it, it can be easier for us to have that detached, objective perspective. And this, in turn, can allow us to look more objectively at our own situation.
By the way, this story is included in INFJ Crush Corner, a refuge I created for INFJs who are dealing with intense crushes. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply, this is a place where you can feel all your intense crush feelings while also getting in-depth advice on how to handle them. If you’re interested, you can click here to find out more.
Final Thoughts
When you’re in love with someone, it can be challenging to look at your situation logically and objectively. But if you value and respect yourself, you’ll take the time to recognize when someone isn’t treating you with the respect and dignity you deserve. And if you’re looking for reciprocal love, you shouldn’t be willing to put up with a disappearing and reappearing crush.
But please know that this behavior says less about you and more about your crush. If they’re not making the effort to nurture a relationship with you and if they’re not willing to try even after you ask for what you want, do yourself a favor and try to let go so you can find someone who will.
Now I turn it to you. What do you think it means when a crush disappears and reappears often? And what should people do when this happens?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!