What Should You Avoid When Deconstructing Your Faith?

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I started deconstructing my faith about nine years ago when I was in the midst of a spiritual crisis. At the time, though, I just thought of what I was doing as “belief clarification.” I didn’t learn the term “deconstruction” until later.

(Now I like to refer to the process as “belief and value clarification” because I understand how important it is to get clear on both your beliefs and values on this journey.)

Having gone on my own journey to develop a form of spirituality that feels authentic to me, I’ve learned some things about deconstructing that might be helpful for those who are just beginning their journey. In this post, I want to discuss four things you might want to avoid when getting clear on your values and beliefs.

4 Things to Avoid When Deconstructing Your Faith

1. Discussing your process with people who aren’t deconstructing or open-minded.

   When you actively start deconstructing your religious beliefs, you’ll likely feel like you’re on shaky ground for some time. I know I felt that way when I first started. And I thought of this journey as a way to help me regain my spiritual bearings.
   
   During my spiritual crisis, I didn’t know which way was up in terms of my faith. I was just so confused about what to believe. The last thing I needed was someone who would put doubt in my mind about whether I was even doing the right thing by questioning or examining my deeply held Christian beliefs. As you go through this process yourself, that’s the last thing you need, too.
   
   I would actually advise you to spend a lot of time alone as you go on this self-discovery journey. Going deep and doing a lot of introspection and self-reflection are essential for gaining the kind of clarity you’re searching for. But if you choose to discuss your findings and discoveries with anyone, let them be people who are either actively deconstructing or who you know to be open-minded, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.
   
   These people will be more likely to be open to discussing new ideas with you, rather than quick to tell you how wrong you are and pointing to a Bible verse (or several) to prove it. You’ll probably want to avoid discussing things with people in the latter group—people who may see what you’re doing as misguided or heretic. Their opinions are not the ones you need to be hearing right now. In fact, the less you say to them throughout this process, the better.

2. Rushing the process.

   Questioning, examining, and uprooting deep beliefs is not an easy thing to do. It’s going to take time for you to really figure out which of the spiritual beliefs you now hold, if any, still resonate with you and which you would like to modify or release. As you go on this journey, be willing to give yourself all the time you need to figure these things out.
   
   Deconstructing your faith can be a lifelong process, and the core of it might take weeks, months, or years. Also, if certain beliefs go really deep, it might take a long time before you can fully remove them from your system even after you’ve mentally dismissed them. This is something I learned from the book When Religion Hurts You by Laura E. Anderson, PhD.
   
   This is why, if you are trying to remove deep beliefs, try to be patient with yourself as you start adopting new behaviors that align with your new beliefs. And try not to get angry at yourself if you find yourself still behaving in ways that are aligned with old beliefs. This whole process will require lots of adjusting and adapting to new ways of being and behaving. That means undoing years and years of conditioning and acting in accordance with that conditioning.
   
   You may be able to change some things quickly, but other things might take time. And some things may take a lot longer than you would like. So, as much as possible, try to be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout the process.

3. Searching for “the truth.”

   One of my favorite quotes is this one by Kahlil Gibran: “Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’” On my spiritual journey, one of the big things I’ve discovered is that, when it comes to spiritual matters, the truth is subjective. There is no one “truth.”
   
   One person can look at something and claim it’s the truth, while another looks at the same thing and claims it isn’t. And both will have their reasons for thinking this way. In an instance like that, I wouldn’t say either person is wrong or right. I would say they’re both judging based on their own understanding of what’s true.
   
   So, instead of looking for “the truth” on your journey, I would encourage you to look for your truth. Look for what’s true for you. Look for what resonates with you. If you find it helpful, you can start by identifying your core values. This can help you come to understand what’s truly important to you.
   
   And then you can use them to write a personal vision statement, which is something you can craft to help you use your values as a compass to guide your life. (I go more into how to write one here.)
   
   Seriously, though, if you go on this journey to find “the truth,” you may find yourself lost in the land of confusion for a while as you try to figure out what the truth is. But if you go searching for your truth, you might find that voyage to be a little simpler.

4. Not feeling your feelings.

   As you go on your deconstruction journey, you’ll likely go through an array of emotions. Some of them might be very painful, like disappointment, anger, and sadness. As you experience these emotions, don’t be afraid to feel them. And don’t be afraid to let them out in any healthy way you prefer, from writing angry letters you never send to screaming or crying. All of this is part of the healing process.
   
   If you’re angry because you realize you’ve made many of your life choices based on religious beliefs that aren’t actually aligned with your own beliefs, which has now left you living a life that’s out of alignment with your vision of a fulfilling life, allow yourself to feel that anger. If you’re sad about all the time you wasted believing things you now see as not aligned with your truth, allow yourself to feel that sadness.
   
   If you’re disappointed that you didn’t realize any of the stuff you’re learning now sooner, allow yourself to feel that disappointment. Allow yourself to feel all of it. And try not to be upset with yourself for having these feelings. What you went through affected you. It’s only natural that shifting your views with respect to something as deep and personal as spirituality would cause you to feel deep and powerful emotions. Allow yourself to feel them. This is how you process them and eventually start to heal.
   
   But also, don’t be afraid to feel a sense of freedom or relief when you release beliefs you once thought of as absolute truth because they don’t resonate with you. Don’t be afraid to feel the joy that comes from living in alignment with your personal values rather than the values of others, even if your new life looks nothing like what you thought it should. Whatever you feel, allow yourself to feel it.
   
   But if you do feel angry, sad, or disappointed with yourself, after you feel those feelings, try not to be too hard on yourself. Try to remember that you made the best decisions you could for who you were and what you knew at the time. And if you can, try to now focus on getting your life to a more authentic or fulfilling place. Maybe you can’t go back and change your past decisions, but you can make new, more aligned decisions going forward.

Final Thoughts

Deconstructing your religious beliefs is a complex journey that will require courage, patience, and persistence. But if you’re determined to clarify your beliefs and values, I believe you can get to a place where you’re practicing a form of spirituality that feels authentic to you. Just remember to be careful who you discuss your new ideas with, search for “your truth” rather than “the truth,” avoid rushing the process, and allow yourself to feel all the feelings that arise.

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you would like any help as you work on deconstructing your faith, I offer spiritual coaching services you might be interested in. Through these services, I help Christians transition from Christianity to a form of spirituality that isn’t weighed down by religious dogma. If you are interested, simply click here to learn more.