How to Explain That You’re Leaving Christianity to Religious Friends and Family
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It’s one thing for you to make the incredibly brave decision to leave Christianity if you find that it’s no longer serving you. But explaining to Christian friends and family that you’re leaving is a whole other thing.
Both of these situations can have their challenges. In this post, I address some of the ones you might face when leaving Christianity for spirituality. But here, I want to help you talk to well-meaning religious loved ones who may not understand your decision and who may be fearful for what these changes mean for you in this life and the afterlife.
What to Say and When
When explaining your decision to friends and family who are still deep into Christianity, there may be times when you would like to be blunt and say directly, “I don’t believe in [CONCEPT] anymore.”
Instead of starting off by being this direct, though, you might want to begin by saying something more like, “I see/understand things differently now” or “I’m learning things that have changed my viewpoint.” This is a softer approach that can help brace them for any news you would like to share.
After this, your friends and relatives may become concerned and ask follow-up questions like, “What do you mean by that?” or “What kinds of things are you learning and who are you learning them from?” This is when you can start to elaborate a little more. You could answer with something like, “I’ve discovered a new way to read the Bible, and so now I interpret its teachings differently.” Or you could mention a specific book you’ve been reading.
If your friends or family show even the slightest hint of curiosity, you may be able to go deeper into what you’ve been studying. But if they start with judgments and Scripture verses about why what you’re doing is forbidden or heretical, you might want to just end the conversation by saying, “That’s all I feel like saying right now.”
The time to be more direct is when you have to explain things like why you’re not performing certain rituals or why you don’t want to go to church anymore. This is when you might want to make the official announcement about leaving Christianity.
But I would advise you only say this once you’re certain that’s either what you’re doing or what you’ve done. If you’ve been Christian for a long time and you announce one day, “I’m no longer a Christian,” that actually might be hard for you to hear yourself, especially if your identity was strongly tied to your faith, as it was for me. So, you might want to get comfortable admitting that to yourself before you start sharing the news with your friends and relatives.
After you announce this, again, you might get different reactions. Some people may be confused but curious. But others might want to pray for you. You can go into more detail if you sense more curiosity than worry, judgment, or fear. But if your loved ones seem concerned about the safety of your soul, you might just want to end the conversation by saying that you’ve made your decision and it’s not up for discussion.
Learning to Set Boundaries
Even after you’ve made attempts to be clear about your leaving Christianity, you may still have friends and family who try to change your mind about your decision. They may struggle to let this go and may take any opportunity to talk to you about what they perceive as your “mistake.” If this type of behavior is recurring, I would encourage you to set firm boundaries with these members.
When people think “boundaries,” they may think about rigid rules they set for themselves that serve to keep people at a distance. While you may need some of those boundaries for people who are toxic or who do nothing but drain your energy, boundary-setting is really about protecting your own energy. It’s about protecting that which is precious to you, like your time and your resources. And in my opinion, it’s one of the highest forms of self-love.
If you have people-pleasing tendencies like me, the idea of setting boundaries can seem scary. You may become afraid that you’ll offend someone or hurt their feelings by telling them that you would rather not talk about certain things with them.
Even telling others about your decision to leave Christianity might trigger fears of disappointing those you tell. But if you’re able to find the courage to do that, I’m sure you have the courage to set boundaries when necessary. And I believe they are necessary for protecting your peace and your self-respect when others refuse to accept that you’ve changed.
What Does It Look Like to Set a Boundary?
Here’s what boundary-setting can look like in this context. You’re at a family gathering and out of the blue your aunt, who’s hosting the gathering, starts telling you about an event at her church this weekend. Would you like to come?
This invitation might not bother you so much if it weren’t the fiftieth or so time that your aunt has either invited you to such an event or subtly (or not-so-subtly) hinted that you would be better off returning to church and Christianity.
At some point during the evening, you pull your aunt aside and tell her, “I love you. But if you’re going to keep encouraging me to do things that go against my beliefs, I won’t be coming to any more events at your house.”
This might not be the easiest thing to tell your aunt because you do love her and don’t want to hurt or offend her. That’s one of the reasons it took you until the fiftieth comment she made for you to finally find the courage to set this boundary. But if you really do respect yourself and value your peace, you won’t tolerate being around people who can’t accept you for who you are without trying to change you—at least not when you get to choose who you’re spending your time with.
How to Do This With Confidence
I know that saying something like this to anyone you care about can be hard. But one way to do this with confidence is to reflect on your core values before you speak to the person or people in question.
Imagine that, in this instance, peace is one of your core values. And imagine that you’ve written a personal vision statement about why peace is so important to you. (A personal vision statement is like a guide you can use for your life. I go into how to write one in this post.) Now is the time to refer back to that guide, including your reminder of why you want your peace.
Maybe you wrote something like, “In my authentic life, I greatly value peace because it allows me to stay connected to my true self. I don’t like feeling detached from myself because that makes it harder for me to show up for myself and make important decisions.”
Remembering this might make it a little easier to tell your aunt you don’t feel comfortable coming to events at her house if she can’t accept you as you are.
Your aunt’s reaction at this point is up to her. She can either avoid trying to change your mind about spiritual matters even if she doesn’t agree with you, or she can accept that you won’t be coming to her house if she doesn’t think she can stop.
Either way, she might be a little taken aback at first. It’s possible you’ve never set a boundary with her before, or at least not one like this—one that involves something that’s clearly very important to her. But if she genuinely cares about you, she’ll respect your boundary and discuss only neutral or less charged subjects when she invites you over.
If she’s not ok with this, you might want to give her some time to get used to the new you. Maybe she just needs time to accept that you’re serious about the changes you’ve made. But if she doesn’t come around eventually, you might just have to stop going to events at her house. (You might want to limit your interactions with her in general, too.)
Feelings and Boundaries
Whatever your aunt’s reaction is, though, you’re not responsible for how she feels. And you don’t have to feel guilty for setting this boundary. You did it to honor your values. That’s noble. And it’s courageous. Choosing yourself, especially when you’re used to giving so much to others, can be hard and it can feel scary. But you’ve already started choosing you by choosing to change your beliefs. This is just one way you can reinforce that decision.
When you first start setting boundaries like this, you might feel like you’re doing something wrong, and that might lead you to feel guilty. Don’t judge this emotion. But don’t give into it either.
Just remind yourself why you set this boundary. Was it to hurt your aunt? No. It was to protect your peace and show yourself love and respect. So, while you may initially feel guilty when you start setting boundaries, just remind yourself why you’re doing it. This can help give you the confidence to do it.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve left or are in the process of leaving Christianity, you may find it challenging to tell your religious friends and family about it. If they seem more curious than afraid for you when you do tell them, I think that would be a great opportunity to share what you’re learning—not to change their mind, but to have open discussions about different ways of viewing spirituality.
If, however, they don’t seem willing to accept that you’ve changed and seem worried or fearful about what these changes mean for you, you might just have to set some boundaries. Hopefully you won’t have to do this. But if you do, just remember it’s a way of showing yourself love and respect.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re a Christian who would like help transitioning from Christianity to a form of spirituality that isn’t weighed down by religious dogma, I offer spiritual coaching services you might be interested in. Simply click here to learn more.