When Discerning Between Right and Wrong After Leaving Christianity, Ask Yourself This Question

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One thing about Christianity is that it tries to give you a framework to discern between right and wrong. Whenever you have to figure out what the right or wrong thing to do is in any situation, you can consult the Bible or talk to an authority figure in the church.

Of course, different people can interpret the same verses and passages of Scripture differently. And different authority figures can give you different answers about the same situation. Nevertheless, it may be comforting to some people to know that there’s somewhere they can turn for guidance on moral matters, especially when the answer is unclear.

When leaving Christianity and going through the deconstruction process, you may find it challenging to figure out right and wrong on your own, without that framework. To help you with this, I’m going to give you a question you can ask yourself.

(In case you didn’t know, “deconstruction” is essentially the process where you get clear on your true beliefs and values, separating them from beliefs and values you learned from religion but that no longer feel (or never felt) authentic to you. I prefer to think of this process as “belief and value clarification.”)

When you encounter a situation where you’re trying to discern between right and wrong, don’t ask yourself, “What’s the right thing to do here?”

Instead, ask yourself this question: “What’s the loving thing to do here?”

Right and wrong can be hard to discern in certain situations because people have different ideas of what is right and wrong based on their upbringing, their experience of the world, what they’ve been taught, their unique perspective, and various other factors.

But people still tend to prefer a clear “black and white” in any situation rather than accepting that most of life is in the gray area and that nothing is inherently right or wrong. The human mind makes those decisions.

Asking yourself what the loving thing to do is in a situation can help to release yourself from rigid rules and even religious dogma so that you can see the nuanced nature of the situation more clearly.

This is a question you can use right at the beginning of your deconstruction journey or anytime after. But later, as you get clearer on your personal values, you can also use another question I’ll talk about below.

Applying the Question

An example I would give to show the difference between the “right” and the “loving” thing to do in a situation is when someone lies to protect someone.

Many, if not most, would agree that lying is wrong. But I think many would also make an exception for lying to protect someone. Why is that? It’s because in that situation, lying isn’t the “right” thing to do, it’s the “loving” thing to do.

When lying to protect someone, you’re not trying to deceive the person you’re lying to for no reason. You’re not trying to manipulate them or hurt them. Your intention is to protect someone in need of protection. That’s your why in this situation.

Ultimately, asking this question helps you get to the why of what you’re doing. And I find that why you’re doing something is always more important than what it is you’re doing.

This is why I find it helpful to ask yourself in any situation where you’re unclear on what the “right” thing to do is, not what is the “right” thing but rather the “loving” thing to do. No matter how hazy or controversial the situation may be, this question can still be useful.

Here’s an application related to an issue in the Christian world. According to literal interpretations of Scripture, it would seem that gay marriage is wrong. But if you see two men or two women in love and willing to commit themselves to each other, does it really seem all that wrong?

In a case like this, again, the question is not what is the “right” thing to do, either accept or reject the idea of gay marriage, but rather what is the “loving” thing to do. In my opinion, the loving thing is to allow two people in love to get married if they want to and if they’re old enough to give consent. End of controversy.

(But if you see the Bible as a divine product, I know it can be very hard to go against its teachings, especially when you’ve been taught to take them literally. If this is an issue for you, I would suggest you start by reading the book Reading the Bible Again for the First Time by Marcus J. Borg.)

An Alternate Question

When you’re further along on your deconstruction journey, you may be able to add more nuance to this question by asking yourself this one: “Which choice is in alignment with my values?”

This can be a harder question to answer right at the start of your journey because you may not yet be clear on your personal values. Initially, many of your values may be Christian values, which may or may not be in alignment with your personal values.

Once they are clearer, though, in any unclear situation you can ask yourself which option is more in alignment with your values. (If you need help figuring out your core values, feel free to check out this post.)

One thing I will say is that, if you find certain concepts or beliefs from Christianity helpful for you when discerning between right and wrong, you’re free to hold onto them. Even if you want to start practicing a version of spirituality that feels more authentic to you, that doesn’t mean you have to let go of every Christian belief. Go ahead and hold onto the ones that you still find helpful or useful.

But when you encounter situations where you don’t have clear guidance from a Christian teaching about what to do, or at least not guidance you agree with, that’s when you can turn to either of these questions.

Final Thoughts

When leaving Christianity, one thing you’ll have to learn is how to discern between right and wrong on your own, without relying so much on outside guidance for answers. At the start of your deconstruction journey, you may find it helpful to ask yourself, “What’s the loving thing to do in this situation?” instead of “What’s the right thing to do?” This can help you get clearer on the why behind what you’re doing, which can make the right choice for you clearer.

As you get further along with your belief and value clarification, you may also be able to ask yourself, “Which of these choices is more in alignment with my values?” This can also help make the best option for you clearer.

I will admit, though, that even asking these questions may still leave you a little confused about the best choice for you. You may have to do some pondering, soul-searching, and reflecting to get the answer. Or you may want to have a guideline in place for more challenging situations, like, “When in doubt, I follow my heart.”

But at least these questions can help you make a decision based on the nuanced nature of situations rather than believing that things are usually “black and white.”

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re a Christian who would like to transition from Christianity to a version of spirituality that feels more authentic to you because it’s in alignment with your personal values, I offer spiritual coaching services you might be interested in. Simply click here to learn more.