5 Signs an INFJ Is Undervaluing Who They Are

natu/Shutterstock.com

People of the INFJ personality type are incredible. Of course, all people are incredible in their way, but INFJs might be less inclined to see themselves that way. INFJs tend to hold themselves to very high standards. And if they feel they’re not living up to those standards, they can be very hard on themselves.

But INFJs would do well to value themselves as the amazing people they are. In Lesson 9 of my guide “The Ultimate Guide to INFJ Crushes” (which you can read here), I talk about why it’s so important for INFJs to value themselves. But if you’re an INFJ who’s wondering whether this is something you’re not doing, here are a few signs you might want to look for.

5 Signs INFJs Are Undervaluing Themselves

1. They’re telling themselves a story that’s not serving them.

   We’re all telling ourselves a story about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. Too often, these stories are full of limiting beliefs we have about ourselves and “reasons” why we can’t do certain things. And we can typically point to our past for evidence that our story is accurate or the only one we can tell.
   
   I think learning about your personality type is a great way to get to know yourself. But even then, you have to be careful not to see what you learn about your personality type as a signal that “this is just the way you are,” meaning this is the way you always will be. If you have any big goals that you would like to achieve, even if they seem out-of-reach, you’ll probably have to start telling yourself a new story if those goals require you to become someone new in one sense or another.
   
   For example, if you’re an INFJ who has struggled to find a romantic partner, you may be telling yourself things like, “I’m unlovable” or “Something must be wrong with me.” This is a sign that you’re not valuing yourself as the incredible person you are. If you were, you would look at your past struggles to find love and tell yourself something more empowering like, “I have high standards for a partner. And I would rather be single and enjoy my single life than settle for anything less than what I’m worthy of.”
   
   While it’s true that INFJs can set incredibly high standards for themselves and those around them and they may want to consider relaxing those standards a little, it’s also true that, unlike many people, INFJs don’t want a partner just for the sake of having one. They’re looking for something deeper.
   
   And I think they would make much better use of their time focusing on other goals and pursuing other dreams rather than dwelling on how hard it is for them to find love. Doing that isn’t going to make the search any easier, although they should definitely let out their frustrations from time to time when they need to. After that, though, I think they’ll be more likely to find a suitable partner and be ready for a real relationship if they spend their time making their own life fun and fulfilling.
   
   But if INFJs aren’t truly valuing themselves, they’ll still be telling themselves disempowering stories that can make them feel small, limited, or powerless.
   
   By the way, if you feel like the story you’re telling yourself isn’t serving you and you would like help rewriting it, I offer Narrative Correction services you might be interested in. Simply click here to learn more.

2. They put everyone else’s needs before their own.

   This is typical INFJ behavior, but it doesn’t have to be. INFJs tend to be very outward-focused, meaning they spend more time paying attention to other people than they do themselves. This means they’re often making other people’s needs a priority while they neglect their own. And when they’re spending this much time taking care of everyone else, they’re not leaving much time left over to take care of themselves (more on this in #4).
   
   For INFJs who would like to show themselves how much they value themselves, they should try to make sure their needs are taken care of. Some common INFJ needs are alone time, downtime after socializing, and deep conversation. If you’re an INFJ who’s not making sure your needs are met, making time to meet them would be a great way to show yourself how much you value yourself.

3. They do most of the giving in their relationships.

   This is similar to the previous point. When INFJs are using their outward focus, they may be spending so much time focusing on what other people need that they end up giving too much to the relationships they’re in. This can include relationships with friends, family members, crushes, or partners. And giving too much can look like any number of things.
   
   It can look like making sure everyone else has had enough to eat but forgetting to have a snack when you’re hungry in the middle of the day. It can look like being willing to drop everything and run every time a friend needs you, but not feeling you can ask those same friends for similar favors. It can look like always responding to your crush’s texts right away, but being ok when they go a long time without responding to you.
   
   Sometimes INFJs may be unwilling to receive more in relationships because they don’t want to look greedy or selfish by asking for more. But it’s not greedy or selfish to want to enjoy relationships where the giving and taking are about equal. In fact, that’s what healthy, fulfilling relationships look like.
   
   If INFJs aren’t receiving as much as they’re giving in the relationships they’re in, they may want to consider what this says about how much they actually value themselves.

4. They don’t make much time for self-care.

   This is also related to #2. When INFJs are spending so much time focusing on other people and their needs, they’re not making time to do things they enjoy. They’re not making time to deal with their own issues or resolve their own problems. They’re too busy making sure everyone else is taken care of.
   
   But INFJs need to make time for self-care. They need to make time to deal with their own issues, rather than trying to fix everyone else’s. They need to make time to recharge after a long day or after an emotionally draining week. They need to make time to focus on what’s important to them, even if it doesn’t seem important to anyone else.
   
   If you’re an INFJ who’s struggling to make time for self-care, you might find that adding these five phrases to your vocabulary might help.

5. They compare themselves to others.

   People often say that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. But it can be hard to avoid it. And it can be especially hard if you’re using social media, where you’re constantly bombarded by images of people who seem to have it all together. This, in turn, can make you feel awful when you feel that you have so much stuff you haven’t yet figured out.
   
   The thing is, while comparison is an unhelpful thing for everyone to do—unless you’re using those comparisons to think about ways you can improve, not to make yourself feel bad about yourself—this can be especially harmful for INFJs.
   
   INFJ is a rare personality type. This means that INFJs are going to do things differently than most people. And if they’re comparing their progress to other people’s progress or if they’re comparing their goals to other people’s goals, they’re going to wind up very unhappy. They may end up convincing themselves that they’re not moving forward fast enough or that they’re going after the wrong things. And this will keep them from letting their own unique light shine through.
   
   If you’re an INFJ, please remember that you’re already different from most people. This means that you really have to be mindful of how much you compare yourself to others. Again, if you’re using those comparisons to help you improve, that’s fine. But still keep in mind that what may work for other people—even many other people—may not work for you. So, instead try to focus on your own goals and your own progress.

Final Thoughts

When an INFJ is undervaluing who they are, it may result in low self-esteem or a low sense of self-worth. And it can be very hard to make progress in life that way.

This is why it’s so important for INFJs to understand and appreciate their value. It can help them do things like tell themselves stories that allow them to move forward, make sure their own needs are met so they’re not burning themselves out, and allow them to enjoy fulfilling relationships with equal amounts of giving and taking.

Ultimately, appreciating their value is something that can allow INFJs to live full and fulfilling lives, no matter how nontraditional or unconventional they may be.

And please remember that, at the end of the day, your true value doesn’t lie in anything you do. Your value lies in who you are. You’re valuable because you exist.

~ Ashley C.