You loved someone when they were in a bad place, and they left once they got out of it. This might be why.
If you’re a compassionate person, it’s natural for you to want to help someone when they’re in pain. And I’m not talking about physical pain here, though it’s true of that kind as well. I’m talking about spiritual, mental, emotional, and psychological pain.
This is the scenario. You encounter someone with qualities you love and value, and they just happen to be dealing with an intense pain. They could be struggling with low self-esteem or self-worth. They could have had a hard childhood or just gotten through a rough breakup. They could be going through any number of things, and you just happened to encounter them at this very moment.
So, what do you do? You enter a relationship with them, either one-sided—as in an unrequited love relationship—or reciprocal. You do this because you love them and because you think this will put you in the best position to help them heal.
The Relationship Begins
While you’re with this person, you’ll go out of your way to promote their healing. The deeper their pain, the more intense your healing efforts will be. And this person will welcome all the time and attention you give them because of their fragile mental state.
You’ll offer this person unconditional love and affection. In your eyes, their pain makes them even more beautiful. When they’re in this difficult place, you see their most vulnerable side, and this encourages you to get even closer to them. Vulnerability makes us humans feel more connected to one another.
As you spend time with this person, you can’t help but imagine what your life together will look like once they recover. After all, you didn’t really fall in love with a wounded person—you fell in love with all that person could become once made whole again.
When the Person in Pain Recovers
Sometimes this person will get better. They’ll find their way out of the bad place they were in, and that’s good. That was the outcome you were hoping for. And it’s likely that your efforts helped them find the strength to get out.
Unfortunately, in this formerly wounded person’s healed state, they may realize that you aren’t the person they want to be in a relationship with. Or else they’ll realize they want a life that has no place for you.
And so, either gradually or abruptly, they’ll end the relationship and move on to something else or start a new relationship with someone they feel compatible with now.
What Happens to the Rejected Lover?
You, the one who loved and cared for this person through the healing process—the one who was there for them on even their darkest of days—you’re left confused and heartbroken.
How could this person could go off and be with someone else after all the love and affection you gave, you wonder. How could they leave you behind in their new life? Don’t they see the value you could add to it?
This newly recovered person might forget all you did. They may forget you altogether. This is when it really stings.
This is when you get to watch this person thrive and succeed, often alongside someone else, while you wonder, “Why didn’t they choose me?” Halsey describes this feeling well in her song “Without Me.” (I personally prefer the radio edit of this song, but to each their own.)
Other Relationships
This tendency isn’t only limited to romantic relationships. This can happen in friendships, too. If you’re someone who’s sensitive to people’s emotions, you may, for instance, spot someone new at school or at work and befriend them so they don’t feel so alone.
Eventually, though, you may watch that person become popular, leaving you behind along the way. They may go to parties you weren’t invited to. They may become part of groups that exclude you. They may, as in the romantic scenario, start a new life without you.
If you’re not someone who craves the spotlight, you may not be willing to do what’s necessary to achieve this kind of popularity. This will be incongruous with your new friend’s aims, so they may forget about you and how you were there for them when no one else was.
What This Means For You
All of this is a lesson for compassionate, sensitive, and tender-hearted people to be mindful of where you place your affections. If you choose to befriend someone who seems left out or lonely, remember that when they find their confidence, they may not turn out to be compatible with you.
Learn to be ok with that. Learn to be ok with helping someone find their voice and then letting them use it as they see fit.
As for romantic relationships, I would say it’s best not to date someone for the purpose of healing them. If they need a friend to listen to them, be a friend. But don’t expect too much of them until they’ve recovered.
Only then will they see clearly enough to know what they want in a partner. If you keep your romantic feelings at bay during the healing process, you won’t be heartbroken if that person turns out not to be you. (It could be, though!)
Also be aware that even if you’re not dating this person, having an unrequited crush on them while they heal can still be painful. So, again, do what you can to control your emotions until this person is in a better position to know what they want. Believe me, I know how hard that can be. But I also know it can be done.
But as I always say, since you’re the one who’ll have to live with the decisions you make, you’re the only one who can decide what you do with your heart.
Now I turn it to you. If you’ve ever loved someone who left once they got out of a bad place, what was your experience loving them like?
~ Ashley C.
Last updated: June 23, 2022