How Religion Led Me to Suppress My Sensuality

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I used to be very religious. But I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery, and one of the things I’ve discovered is that I’m actually spiritual, not religious. But being religious for so long when I’m a spiritual person meant that I was often struggling with internal battles. One of the big ones has been the battle between my sensual side and my conservative side.

People may come to different conclusions about things like sex and sensuality based on their interpretation of religious teachings. But my understanding was essentially that sex should be reserved for marriage. Until I entered a very strict church in 2017, it was never made explicitly clear how free we were to explore sensuality on our own. But I think my understanding was that it wasn’t encouraged.

Even so, one of the other things I’ve discovered on this journey has been that I have a deeply sensual nature. I can’t help but fantasize about all sorts of intense scenes of sensuality. And it’s not only to escape from the world or to entertain myself. It’s almost like a fundamental part of who I am. This meant that as I got deeper and deeper into religion, I was getting farther and farther from my real self.

An Example

I can give you an example of just how much of an influence religion had on me when it came to sensuality. Many years ago, I fell in love with a celebrity who was very religious. Since spirituality is important to me, I tend to be drawn to people who have spiritual beliefs that are similar to mine.

Over time, I started to think about what it would be like if me and this celebrity actually met and possibly entered a relationship. When my romantic feelings are strong, they run deep even if the love is unrequited—even if I’ve never met the person I’m in love with. My vivid imagination makes this person real to me, as opposed to just an idea in my head. And that makes the feelings I have for him real, too.

At the time, I had written two novellas, in addition to other writing. But these two novellas were distinct from other writing I had done because they were very sensual in nature. I had never fully decided what I was going to do with them. One of them I probably never would have published, but I was considering publishing the other one.

But then my feelings for this celebrity became stronger. And as they did, I thought that he probably wouldn’t want to be with someone who had written anything like that. And so I ended up shredding both novellas.

All physical evidence of one of them is completely destroyed. But from the other, I kept a poem I had written and a few pages that I forgot about while I was shredding. I’ve actually rewritten versions of the second one, though. But it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever even attempt to rewrite the first one.

What I Learned

Looking back, I find it both interesting and heartbreaking that I was so willing to destroy these works of mine for love. Rather than make the effort to publish them, or at least one of them, and start some sort of writing career for myself, I chose to embrace the fantasy I had of being with this celebrity.

But what I think is that the conservative side of me wanted me to destroy those stories. That side couldn’t stand that I had written them. And so, I used my love for this celebrity as an excuse to do something I already wanted to do.

I usually prefer to let people see me as a relatively conservative person. And I’ve often seen myself that way, too. But while I do have a conservative side, I also have a sensual side. And it’s very powerful.

But because of the religious teachings I had learned, I felt like I had to suppress that side. I felt like I couldn’t allow it to have free expression. That side would try to break free by having me write stories like those I mentioned. But then the conservative side would step in, and I would go back to hiding and suppressing the other side.

This would also happen when I had intense fantasies. I would enjoy them, but then the conservative side would make me feel guilty for having them. And I feel like much of my life has been a battle between these two sides.

How Being Spiritual Has Helped

Now that I’m spiritual, not religious, I try to live according to what I believe, not what I’ve been taught to believe. And one thing I’ve found for me is that spirituality and sensuality are inseparable. To be spiritual is to be sensual. That’s one reason I think religion led to me having mental health issues. It was actually leading me to believe that there was a part of myself that couldn’t be expressed openly.

When you’re taught to believe that you have to deny a fundamental part of who you are and when you listen to and act on that teaching, you will inevitably have to deal with other issues. This is one of the reasons I say in this post that when you find religion is keeping you from being authentic, it’s a sign that you might want to switch to being spiritual instead.

I consider these mental health challenges to be side effects from having been religious for so long. That’s another way of saying they’re side effects from having denied my real self for so long. But I believe that the more I stay true to who I am and the more authentic I try to be, the more the mental health issues will fade. I only wish I could have realized sooner how much of a negative effect religious teachings were having on my mind.

Instead of paying attention to signs that something was wrong, I chose to go deeper into religion. That means I’m having to undo years of damage to my mental health. But I’m taking the healing process one day at a time.

Final Thoughts

For the record, I never got to meet this celebrity I had a crush on, although I did think I was coming close at one point. But I’m still amazed at how much influence I let him have over my life just because of the possibility of us meeting and having a relationship.

Even so, I understand that a big reason I was drawn to him was because I saw him as being an excuse for me to keep suppressing the sensual side of me.

Now I have started sharing that side more openly, even if I do it with a pseudonym when it comes to sharing creative works. But I think this is a good compromise between the conservative and sensual sides.

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re currently religious but would like to make the transition from being religious to being spiritual, I offer spiritual coaching services that you might be interested in. Feel free to click here to learn more.