How to Reclaim Your Sensuality After Leaving Religion

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Religion can have stringent rules when it comes to sensuality, although those rules can differ in stringency depending on how conservative your religion was. But even after leaving religion, you might still struggle to fully allow yourself to explore or embrace your sensual side. I learned this from the book When Religion Hurts You by Laura E. Anderson, PhD. This book also taught me about purity culture and the harmful effects it can have on people’s ability to enjoy their sexuality even when free to do so.

It’s possible that, while you were still part of a religion, you might never have even viewed your sexuality as something worth exploring or embracing. But being connected to your sensual side is a central part of enjoying your human experience.

Because even if you believe you’re a spiritual being having a human experience, I think the point of having that human experience is to enjoy it. And part of that experience—a fundamental part—is your sensuality. This side of you is connected to creativity and creation. And creation is the very essence of life itself.

If you find that you’re struggling to reclaim your sensual side after leaving religion, in this post I’m going to share five things that might help you do this kind of self-exploration without overwhelming your system.

(And just so you know, even though the meanings are somewhat different, I use the words “sensuality” and “sexuality” and related terms interchangeably.)

5 Things to Keep in Mind When Learning to Embrace Your Sensual Side After Religion

1. Clarify your beliefs about sensuality.

   Before you can truly open yourself up to doing the kind of exploration that will allow you to embrace your sensual side, you have to get clear about what you believe when it comes to sensuality. This alone might not be enough for you to shift your behavior entirely. But it will put you into a better position to start exploring and getting more comfortable with taking actions that are aligned with the beliefs you would like to hold now.
   
   Maybe when you were still part of religion, you viewed sexuality as bad or wrong outside marriage or something to be discouraged or suppressed. Now you can choose to see sexuality as a natural part of being human. You can choose to see it as something worth embracing. You can choose to see it as a way to explore your own spirituality and to open yourself up creatively.
   
   Before you really dive into the self-exploration that will help you reconnect to your sensual side, get clear on how you think about sensuality now, or at least how you want to think about it. And just remember that, while religion may have taught you what was and wasn’t appropriate to do in terms of sexual behaviors, after leaving religion you get to decide what is and isn’t appropriate for you. No one else gets to say what’s right or wrong for you anymore, not in this or any other aspect of your life.

2. Don’t be afraid to explore.

   When it comes to exploration as it relates to sexuality, it can mean many different things. When I refer to exploration, I’m often talking about mental and physical exploration. Mental refers to the realm of fantasy. And when I talk about exploring here, I mean giving your mind free rein to imagine whatever you like. This is a way of coming to understand yourself and your sexual preferences on your own.
   
   And as you fantasize, you can learn to become comfortable with allowing yourself to feel what your body feels as you imagine scenes that give you pleasure. Initially, again depending on the strictness of your religion, you might feel uncomfortable allowing yourself to enjoy these feelings. Don’t judge that discomfort. But recognize that it is just a feeling. It’s telling you you’re doing something wrong according what you’ve been taught, not something that’s inherently wrong.
   
   This is why it’s so important to get clear on how you view sensuality now (see #1). Your mind will likely tell your body you’re doing something wrong as you start to reconnect to a side of you that you’ve neglected. And this can cause you feel shame or guilt as you do something that actually gives you pleasure. But if you consciously remind yourself of your new beliefs, you can also remind yourself that the feelings you’re having are residual effects of your previous beliefs. Even so, you’re choosing to act in accordance with what you believe now.
   
   This is a way of practicing something called ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. One of the principles of this kind of therapy is that you act in accordance with your values rather than doing safety or avoidance behaviors because your mind is telling you something is wrong. I’ve found this to be very useful when it comes to adjusting to new spiritual beliefs. (And I have to admit, AI has been helpful with teaching me how to apply this kind of therapy to my own behavior. But I don’t use it for very human topics like sensuality.)
   
   When I refer to physical exploration, I’m talking about any physicality, whether alone or with a partner. But if you’re really just coming to reclaim your sexuality after religion, I would encourage you not to get too physical initially. Instead, I would suggest you play more with fantasy and then maybe writing as a way to explore your sensuality. In this post, I talk about why people might want to express their sensual side through writing.

3. Withhold the judgment.

   When I was still very religious, I didn’t feel so free to explore my sensual side without a partner. Even so, I found myself wanting to immerse myself in fantasy as a way to explore my sexuality on my own.
   
   Initially, I would try to keep my fantasies relatively tame. But then they would start to enter the realm of things I didn’t think it was “appropriate” for me to be imagining, especially as a Christian. And so, I would feel guilty for having these fantasies, and I would try to reign them in—only to then be drawn back into the other kinds of fantasies. In this way, I was suppressing my sensuality.
   
   One thing I’ve learned as I’ve come to embrace my sexual side is not judge myself for having these fantasies. Instead, I’ve learned to ask why. The concept of being curious about things rather than judging them is something I learned in therapy.
   
   Now, when I find pleasure from imagining certain things, I wonder why. Why is this particular dynamic pleasurable for me to imagine? What is it about this particular scene that I find so appealing? This can help reveal more than just information about my sensual side but about myself in general.
   
   As you come to embrace your sensual side, I would urge you to withhold any judgment. Even if you find yourself drawn to imagining scenes that you would consider “inappropriate” or “taboo,” try to ask yourself why these fantasies are giving you pleasure. Is it the power dynamic? Is it revealing the way you view gender roles, even if these views are contrary to the norm? Is it revealing knowledge about your sexual preferences? Is it revealing some of your true desires, even ones you’ve kept hidden from yourself?
   
   Exploring your sexuality through fantasy can be a wonderful tool for self-discovery, which I consider to be essential when going specifically from Christianity to spirituality. And I talk about that more here. But I believe self-discovery is important when leaving any religion because that change will require you to establish a new identity, meaning you have to discover and come to understand who you are now.

4. Go at your own pace.

   If you’re new to the idea of embracing your sexuality at all and especially if you were part of purity culture, I would urge you to go slow with your exploration. As I said, you might want to start with just fantasizing and maybe move into writing as you become more comfortable allowing yourself to feel pleasure in your body without judging or fearing it or any other feelings that arise. As you become more comfortable, you can start doing more or going faster if that feels good to you.
   
   Even so, you want to avoid rushing this exploration because if you overwhelm your system, you might become afraid to continue and that can derail any progress you’ve made. It’s true that you’ll have to get comfortable dealing with uncomfortable feelings since a lot of this might feel new to you and, thus, scary to your system.
   
   But try to slowly teach yourself and your system that what you’re doing is fine and natural. And instead of rushing, try to just enjoy every step of the process and applaud any progress you make.

5. Do anything that’s really sensitive while you’re alone.

   If you’re not comfortable imagining sensual fantasies or writing about them while around other people, then don’t do it. Wait until you can fully immerse yourself in your fantasies or your writing. Maybe over time you might grow less sensitive to this kind of thing and might be able to fantasize or write around others. But initially you’ll probably want to be alone.
   
   And when it comes to physicality, I would highly encourage you to do that kind of exploration when you’re completely alone and in a place where you feel comfortable.

Final Thoughts

Leaving religion doesn’t automatically mean you leave behind all your religious beliefs, especially those that were deeply ingrained. These beliefs are much harder to uproot, and some of them can revolve around sensuality.

But because sensuality is such an integral part of being human, after leaving religion it’s important for you to reconnect to this side of yourself if you feel disconnected from it. I don’t think you can be truly and authentically yourself if you haven’t yet come to embrace your own unique sensuality, whatever that looks like to you.

I would encourage you not to rush this process, though. Take all the time you need to do this kind of self-exploration. But when you are ready, I hope the advice in this post helps you learn to embrace this beautiful side of you.

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re making the transition specifically from Christianity to spirituality, I know how challenging it can be. That’s why I now offer spiritual coaching services to help Christians shift from Christianity to a form of spirituality that feels authentic to them because it’s based on their values and personal experiences. If you’re interested, simply click here to learn more.

Note: The advice presented here is for informational purposes only. If you’re in need of professional counseling or therapy, please see a qualified professional.