How Do You Know When Your Crush Is Treating You As an Escape?
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Feelings can be complicated things. When you have feelings for someone, it’s likely that you hope they have feelings for you, too. And it’s possible that you’re looking for signs that they feel the same way.
The thing is, while certain signs can indicate that your feelings are reciprocal, the same signs can also show that your crush is treating you as an escape. Maybe they’re bored or stressed by their own life, and they see their interactions with you as a way to find some relief. So, what you’re perceiving as reciprocation might actually be them just seeing you as a way to flee their own life for a while. And they may display these signs, either consciously or unconsciously, to make sure the relationship you share continues.
This is definitely not a fun situation to find yourself in. But because you have feelings for your crush, it may not be that obvious to you when this is happening. You might want to see the attention they give you as signs of reciprocal feelings because you want them to like you back. You want those signs to indicate reciprocation.
To help you sort out whether your crush really likes you or is just using you as an escape, here are five signs to watch out for.
5 Signs Your Crush Is Treating You As an Escape
They don’t make an effort to stay in touch consistently.
If the person you’re crushing on really likes you, they’ll want to be in touch with you constantly. They might not reach out to you every day, but they won’t go long stretches without communicating with you.
But if this person is only using you as an escape, they might be more than willing to disappear from your life and then reappear only when they want something from you—like, when they want the distraction that your relationship offers them. But then they’ll go back to their regular life and return again when they want another escape.
If your crush is constantly disappearing and reappearing like this, it’s a sign that they’re not serious about your relationship. And if these are the mixed signals you’re getting, you might want to reconsider whether this is really the best person for you to be crushing on.If most or all of your interactions are online, they don’t seem interested in moving them to the real world.
In this modern world, people can enjoy deep connections with the people they interact with online. And when you find someone you connect with, it can be easy to start developing feelings for them. But to enjoy a real relationship with them, you’ll eventually have to move your interactions to the real world.
If the person you’re interacting with really likes you, they’ll be excited to meet you in person and start enjoying real-life interactions with you. But if they’re using you as an escape, they’ll want to keep things as they are. They won’t be interested in meeting you in person or moving your interactions to the real world.
They probably won’t ever bring this idea up on their own, and if you mention it, they may brush it aside or not make any comment about it. You definitely want to watch out for this type of behavior from your crush. Because if you want to start getting to know them in person and they’re not interested in that, you’re clearly not on the same page when it comes to your relationship.They pull away when you try to set boundaries.
If someone is using you as an escape, they’ll want what they want from you without boundaries. Say, for instance, that you’re talking to someone and they start showing behavior you’re not comfortable with. Maybe you’re still enjoying friendly conversations but they start being more flirtatious than you would like them to be, and you ask them to stop.
If the person you’re talking to really likes you, they’ll respect this boundary. They’ll be more than willing to stop the behavior. They’ll want you to feel comfortable around them, not like they’re trying to make you do things before you’re ready.
But if this person is only using you as an escape, they won’t want those boundaries in place. And if you try to set them, they may pull away or even ghost you. If this happens, please know that this is a reflection of the other person, not a reflection of you. Someone who genuinely cares about you will respect your boundaries.
Someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries is clearly dealing with a lack of emotional maturity that makes them unwilling to allow you to put any barriers between you and what they want from you. Run away from people like this.They pull away when you ask for more from the relationship.
If someone is using you as an escape, they won’t want the nature of your relationship to change. They’ll want to keep things as they are. Someone who’s using you this way probably isn’t looking for a solution to the problems in their life that are leading them to feel the need to escape. Or else, they’re not working very hard on finding solutions.
Rather than making the changes necessary to solve their problems, they would rather look for an easy fix—an escape or a distraction so they can avoid facing their real life for a while. And so, if you try to change the nature of your relationship by asking for more than what you’re getting, they may pull away.
It’s likely that this person isn’t comfortable with change in general (most people are like this), and the idea of changing the nature of your relationship makes them uncomfortable. As a result, they may pull away when you ask for more because they don’t feel comfortable making such a big change. Or they may just try to convince you that things are fine as they are so they can hold onto their escape. And you may agree because you have strong feelings for this person and you want to keep the connection.
But someone who really likes you will want the relationship to evolve. If you’re just friends now, they’ll want to become more. No matter what, this kind of change may be a little uncomfortable, but they’ll be willing to embrace this temporary discomfort if it means eventually enjoying an even deeper relationship with you. Someone who’s using you as an escape won’t want to feel this discomfort, and so they’ll likely pull away or try to convince you not to change anything.They don’t want you to intermingle with people who make up their “real life.”
If someone genuinely has feelings for you and would like to pursue a romantic relationship with you someday, they’ll be more than happy for you to meet the people who are closest to them. They might be a little nervous for you to meet them, which is normal and actually a good sign because it means the meeting is important to them. But they will want you to get to know their loved ones, even if it’s not right away.
If, however, this person is using you as an escape, they’ll probably want to keep you a secret from those they care about. They probably won’t want you to interact with them much or at all. And if you do happen to encounter them while they’re around their loved ones, they might downplay the true nature of your relationship.
So, even if you and this person enjoy nice conversations and interactions in private, if they don’t want you to mix with the people they consider part of their “real world,” it could be because they’re using you as an escape.
An Example
I wrote a story where a young woman is crushing on a boy at her school who treats her as an escape. They enjoy talking to each other online and on the phone, but they’re not public friends.
Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 14 that shows what happens when Chloe, the young woman, asks her crush Mordecai for more. (In the excerpt, they’re chatting on IM. Chloe’s IM name is Simplesnowflake, and Mordecai’s is More2come81.)
Simplesnowflake: anyways…
More2come81: yes…
Simplesnowflake: since you officially acknowledged me at school
Simplesnowflake: twice
Simplesnowflake: are we officially school friends now too?
More2come81: uh…
More2come81: maybe its better that we still keep our distance at school
Simplesnowflake: why?
Simplesnowflake: because of…her?
More2come81: don’t say it like that
Simplesnowflake: never mind, I have to go anyway
More2come81: wait chloe don’t leave that way
Simplesnowflake: how do you want me to leave?
More2come81: happy that ur talking to ur best friend again
Simplesnowflake: Krista is my best friend
More2come81: ur best guy friend
Simplesnowflake: right, my best guy friend who’s ashamed to be seen in public with me
More2come81: chloe…
Simplesnowflake: I don’t think you understand how hard it is for me to see you day after day with other girls when you know how much I like youLong pause.
More2come81: i’m sorry
More2come81: i guess i never really thought about how this made you feel
Simplesnowflake: I guess not
Simplesnowflake: but whatever
Simplesnowflake: I guess that’s just how things are
More2come81: no i can fix this
Simplesnowflake: you can’t
More2come81: no i will
More2come81: what if we have certain times when we can acknowledge each other at school?
More2come81: would that be ok?
Simplesnowflake: no, it wouldn’t
Simplesnowflake: I don’t like feeling like I’m the other girl
Simplesnowflake: I’ll just be the friend no one knows you have
Simplesnowflake: we’ll keep things as they are now
Simplesnowflake: bye
More2come81: butI sign off before he has a chance to write anything else.
Thoughts on the Excerpt
This excerpt shows how Mordecai displays signs #2 and #5 from the list above. He doesn’t seem very interested in moving his interactions with Chloe into the real world, at least not permanently (#2), and he doesn’t want her to be seen in public with him, which would involve her meeting those who make up his “real life” (#5).
He doesn’t pull away when she asks for more, though (see #4)—although he does try to convince her to keep things as they are in other parts of the story. But here, he tries to set boundaries of his own, suggesting that maybe they can have times when they can acknowledge each other at school. But this isn’t enough for Chloe. She can sense that these are unhealthy boundaries intended to keep her separate from Mordecai’s “real life.”
Theirs is actually a complex relationship because they’re supposed to be just friends, and yet one of the reasons Mordecai doesn’t feel comfortable being seen in public with Chloe is because he has a girlfriend. If they were really just friends, that shouldn’t matter. Talk about mixed signals.
The thing is, even though Chloe sees how Mordecai isn’t willing to bring their relationship to the real world, she continues to crush on him. She can’t seem to pull herself away from him even though he’s not giving her what she really wants. If she were able to look at her situation more objectively, she would probably try to move on, rather than allow herself to be Mordecai’s escape.
Just so you know, this story is included in INFJ Crush Corner, a refuge for INFJs who are dealing with intense crushes. (Though the story doesn’t say this directly, Chloe is an INFJ.) If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like a place where you’re free to feel the intensity of your crush feelings while also getting in-depth advice on how to handle them, you can click here to learn more.
Final Thoughts
While your crush may be displaying these signs for a variety of reasons, one of them is that they’re using you as an escape from their real life. And you can’t enjoy a deep, fulfilling relationship with someone who only sees you this way.
If you want to have a real relationship with them, they have to be willing to interact with you in public and they have to be willing to allow you into their real world and invite you to be part of it. If your crush isn’t doing these things, you might just want to try moving on.
It’s also possible, though, that you’re both using each other as an escape. Maybe you also want to escape your real life for a time and you’re using your crush to do that. If so, you might want to pause and ask yourself why you feel the need to escape. Is it that you’re bored or unhappy with your life? Or are you so overwhelmed by it that you need the release that comes with talking to your crush or interacting with them?
Whatever the reason you feel the need to escape, you might want to consider working on a solution to that issue. Maybe you need to do work that’s more fun or stimulating for you. Or maybe you need to ease your load so you’re not so stressed.
Just know, it’s not ideal for someone to treat you as an escape or for you to treat someone else that way. If you love someone, you should be free to love them and invite them into your life. And you should love them for who they are, not because they provide you with some sort of distraction from your everyday stuff. If you find that your everyday stuff isn’t making you happy, don’t make someone else the solution.
And if you find that someone is using you as the solution to this issue in their life, reclaim your dignity and don’t allow yourself to be used this way. If you have to, walk away from the crush so you can find someone who will love you with true, reciprocal love.
One last thing, though. While some people may be consciously using someone else an escape, others can do this unconsciously. It’s possible that your crush treats you as an escape, but they don’t realize that they’re doing it. (And the same is true for you if you’re treating your crush as one.) So, please know that this type of behavior isn’t necessarily malicious. But it’s still good to be aware that it’s happening.
Now it’s your turn. What signs do you find show that someone’s crush is using them as an escape?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!