If you’re reading this post, most likely you’ve asked yourself the following question—or some variation of it—more than a few times: Why is it so easy for others to find love and so hard for me?

I myself have asked that question more times than I care to share. I even wrote a blog post about some of my theories. But what I’ve recently discovered is, this is just one of those aspects of life that we may never fully understand.

Things that come easily to some people don’t come so easily to others. Some people bloom early in romantic matters while others are late bloomers. Why some people are one way and others another way is one of the many mysteries of life.

One thing is certain, though—you’ll feel miserable if you spend your time comparing yourself to others. A much better use of your time would be to focus on your own journey and what you can do to change your situation or your perspective on it.

So, if you’ve struggled in the romance department, I hope one of the following five tips can help.

5 Things You Can Do When You Struggle to Find Love

1. Go on a journey of self-discovery.

   This may not be the most traditional relationship advice. What does a journey of self-discovery have to do with finding love, you may ask. Well, a lot actually.
   
   When you don’t know yourself, you may often find yourself drawn to others for inauthentic reasons. This was the case for me for many years. When you do this, others may pick up on it and either immediately reject your love or reject it after a while, when the real you starts to surface.
   
   You may also find yourself looking for self-esteem and self-worth in someone else or, worse, entering a relationship out of desperation. This can be an uncomfortable situation for the other person, which would also prompt them to reject you or walk away. And if they’re comfortable with this situation, it’s because their motives are far from noble.
   
   Being single is the best time for you to go on a journey of self-discovery. It allows you to explore all aspects of yourself while you’re not so influenced by someone else’s identity. If you’ve been single for a while, it may be time to go on this journey and maybe take a break from pursuing love until you feel more confident in who you are.
   
   Although discovering yourself is a lifelong process, taking time to know yourself better will make it easier to attract someone compatible when you’re ready to seek love again.
   
   Remember, going on a journey of self-discovery doesn’t have to involve physical travel, though it can. But really, the most important part of it is introspection. Ask yourself questions about what you like and don’t like, what you want and don’t want. Which of your beliefs are yours and which have been imposed on you by others?
   
   The following posts may help you get started if you’re serious about undertaking this journey, especially if you’re of the INFJ personality type:

   • How Do You Know It’s Time To Go on a Journey of Self-Discovery?

   • Why Do People Look Outside Themselves for Their Identity?

   • Why Are We Afraid To Examine What We Believe?

   • Why Is It So Important To Develop Authentic Spirituality?

   • How To Get Clear on What You Believe

2. Get out of your comfort zone.

   One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes people struggle to find love because they’re afraid to do things they don’t normally do, even if those things may increase the likelihood that they’ll find potential partners. They sort of expect that they’ll encounter their ideal partner while living a life that involves little interaction with others or forays outside their comfort zone.
   
   While it’s true that some people meet their life partner at school or in places they already go often, others might have to make more of an effort. Again, that’s just how life is. You can waste your energy fighting it or you can accept it and work with what you have.
   
   If you’ve already done the self-discovery work I talked about in #1, then you have a good idea of your likes and interests. Now, if you’re interested in finding love, try engaging in those interests that involve other people.
   
   Most likely, some of the people involved will also be single. And you already know you have these interests in common, so they’re more likely to be compatible with you than a stranger you meet at a club or something like that. It might take some time, but eventually you might just find the person you’ve been searching for all along.
   
   And honestly, aside from not getting out more, sometimes people don’t meet more people because they’re just shy. They may encounter people they’re attracted to, but they never or rarely make an effort to engage them in conversation or show they’re interested.
   
   If this is you and it’s been going on for a long time, I honestly feel that a relationship coach could serve you well (see #3). But it starts with a willingness to go outside your comfort zone if it means potentially finding your life partner.
   
   There’s nothing wrong with being shy. Just don’t use that as an excuse not to go after what you desire. After all, isn’t a little discomfort a small price to pay for finding your soulmate?

3. Talk to a relationship coach.

   In this post, I talk about common lies people tell themselves when they have trouble finding a partner. One of them is that they shouldn’t need anyone’s help to do this. I think this lie keeps a lot of people from finding true love.
   
   As I said before, in this life, everything that comes easily to some people will be harder for others. That’s just the way things work. So, if you’re struggling with something and you’re having trouble dealing with it on your own, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
   
   This is where a relationship coach can come in. They can help you recognize and break self-sabotaging habits. They can help you find the courage to go to new places and approach new people. They can help you figure out what you really want in a partner and how to find someone like that.
   
   But just know that finding the right coach is a lot like finding the right partner. It takes time. And you may find that one person’s methods don’t work so well for you while another person’s are a great match. So, if you’re interested in working with a relationship coach, take your time finding the right coach for you.

4. Stay open.

   You’ve probably heard it said that humans are creatures of habit. This is as true in matters of the heart as in all matters. If you’ve struggled to find love, it’s possible you’ve been closing yourself off to it by limiting your partner options.
   
   Maybe you think you’ve identified your “type”—the kind of person you’re sure you want to be with. So, you only date or crush on people like that. But if things haven’t been working out with those kinds of people, maybe you should try crushing on or dating a different kind of person.
   
   Maybe you’re usually into people who are really serious. Try giving someone with a good sense of humor a chance. Or maybe you’re into people who are always up-to-date on the latest trends and fashions. Maybe give someone who’s more casual with their wardrobe a chance.
   
   I’m not telling you to lower your standards. I’m just saying, maybe you can cross a few items off your “ideal partner list.” A lot of those items are superficial anyway—things like looks, career, background, income level, etc. If you keep yourself open, you may find compatible partners where you didn’t think you would find them.
   
   People can also close themselves off unconsciously by making it hard to approach them. Maybe they go to the store wearing earbuds. Maybe they never look up from their phone while walking down the street. Maybe they’re always wearing a scowl or a sullen look or are otherwise giving off an unapproachable vibe when they’re not required to be friendly or cordial.
   
   If this is you, you’re missing out on a lot of opportunities for love by doing this. Your future partner might be standing behind you in line at your favorite coffee shop, but you wouldn’t know it because you only look up from your phone long enough to place your order.
   
   If you want love, it helps to stay open to it. Anytime you go somewhere you’re likely to encounter other people, try to give off a friendly vibe. And if you find someone interesting, don’t be afraid to talk to them.

5. Be patient.

   I hesitated to add this to the list because I know how annoying it can be when people tell you to just “be patient” and “wait for love to find you.” After you’ve been waiting months, years, or decades for love, you’re ready for someone to tell you something else.
   
   But the truth is, sometimes being patient really is the best thing you can do.
   
   If you’re at all spiritually-minded, then you’ll understand when I talk about “the bigger picture.” In the grand scheme of things, there may be important reasons why you haven’t found your special someone yet.
   
   Maybe you’re not ready. Or maybe they’re not ready. Or maybe you both have some growing and changing to do before you meet. Maybe you both still have things to accomplish before you can start a life together.
   
   The thing is, you’re both part of this bigger picture, and I believe your lives will unfold the way they’re meant to. But your lives also affect other people’s lives.
   
   It could be that someone else needs you now and, until they no longer need you in this way, you can’t start a relationship with someone else because you won’t be able to give them the time and attention they need without sacrificing time and attention you’re giving to this other person.
   
   Take, for example, a mother who doesn’t pursue further education because she wants to stay home and take care of her children. When her children are grown and have moved out, she’s now free to go back to school if she so desires.
   
   That’s one example, but it just goes to show you that human lives are intertwined. You might not be able to be with your partner right now for reasons you may not fully know or understand. But still stay hopeful. When everything and everyone is ready, you and your special someone will meet.

Final Thoughts

This is what I suggest to anyone struggling in the romance department—know who you are, be willing to go outside your comfort zone, seek help if you need it, stay open, and be patient.

And just know that if you’re ever feeling especially low because you’re still waiting for your special someone, don’t be afraid to have a good cry or two. But then try to be your most personable self when among other people because you never know who you’re going to meet.

Now I turn it to you. What advice would you give to someone who has struggled to find love?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024