What Hair Taught Me About Perception and Personal Values

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When I was in middle school, I got a perm to straighten my hair. I know that sentence may seem strange to some people. I’m aware that the term perm—short for “permanent wave”—is distinct from the term relaxer, which is used to relax hair straight. But in my dialect, the two words can be synonymous.

While I don’t really remember this first instance specifically, I do remember how the relaxer essentially burns hair straight. And that experience is far from relaxing.

But when I was growing up, I wanted to have long hair that was easy to manage. And I wanted to be able to do what I saw other girls doing—like putting their hair in ponytails. I thought that was the coolest thing. But I couldn’t do it with my tight, thick curls that were usually in braids. And so, I longed for the day when I could do what the other girls with long, straight hair did.

Finally, I got that chance in middle school. I don’t remember exactly how I felt after my first perm, but I do remember getting to enjoy all those things I wanted to enjoy. I got to use all sorts of cool hair accessories, like clips and scrunchies. And I was able to put my hair in a ponytail like I always wanted. It was a dream come true.

Except for when getting a perm was a nightmare. The perm process itself wasn’t fun. And I remember having to sit under an extraordinarily hot hair dryer for a really long time after my hair was washed. And after the first few days of getting a new perm or getting my hair washed, my hair just didn’t look the same. It didn’t look fresh or new.

Plus, I couldn’t get my hair wet without having to go through a long and involved process to get it looking decent again. Over time, having a perm stopped feeling like a kind of freedom and started feeling more like a burden.

After several years, I had had enough. So, when I graduated from high school, I removed the perm by cutting my hair. Now I wear my hair natural, and I love it this way.

What This Revealed About Personal Values

I suppose you could consider this an illustration of the adage about the grass seeming to be greener on the other side.

Until I got a perm, I didn’t realize that freedom was more important to me than appearance. While I do wear make-up (occasionally) and care about the clothes I wear and try to look decent when going out, appearance isn’t something I value as much as other things—like the ability to go out in the rain without worrying about getting my hair wet.

Some people may find that having a perm (or relaxer) to straighten their hair makes them feel more authentic. This is likely because external appearance is one of their values, or at least something they value. For them, they’re willing to trade the kinds of freedom I value to have a certain look. I don’t judge them for being this way, but I’ve learned that that’s not me and will likely never be me.

But this is why it’s so important to get clear on your personal values if you’re intent on living an authentic life, especially your core values. I didn’t realize how much I value freedom until I no longer had the freedom to do things like just walk in the rain when I wanted to. True, I can’t put my hair in a ponytail anymore and I no longer use hair accessories. But I just don’t care about those things enough to go back to life with a perm.

What This Revealed About Perception

Even now, I can still sometimes find myself admiring certain people or certain lifestyles and wishing I could be more like them or live like that. For example, I have to admit that I can find the Hollywood lifestyle appealing. And sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be among the glamorous and famous people you see on red carpets and magazine covers.

But one thing I’ve learned is that many, if not most, people who become conventionally famous have to play by certain rules. After they reach a certain point, they may start being able to make their own rules. But until then, they have to follow rules developed by others.

I’m not the kind of person who so wants a certain lifestyle that I’m willing to play by random rules. I follow rules when they make sense to me or when I can clearly see their benefit. But when rules are invented by others just so people can fit a certain mold or follow a certain path, I opt out. So, if I ever do become famous enough to mingle with those kinds of people, it will most likely be by following an unconventional path.

I also have to consider the kinds of freedom I might be required to give up to have such a lifestyle. I’m not sure I would consider those sacrifices worth it. If I don’t, I’ll probably choose something else.

I believe something similar has happened to me when it comes to romantic relationships. For the longest time, I really thought I wanted a partner. I considered myself a hopeless romantic who yearned to have her own love story. But I’ve recently been analyzing my past crushes, and I’ve realized that it was only the feeling of love that I was really being drawn to, something I talk about more in this post. Again, I value freedom so much that I don’t think I’m willing to give that up to be someone’s partner, at least not now.

Still, love songs and romantic movies portray romance as being this amazing, beautiful thing. So, it can be hard not to crave that for yourself. And I do believe healthy romantic relationships can be amazing and beautiful.

But they also require work, sacrifice, commitment, and attention to real-world matters. My former hopeless romantic self would have preferred to just enjoy long strolls with her partner, spend hours talking to him, and write love poems about him. But that wouldn’t have been enough to sustain a relationship. And right now, I’m not willing to put in that kind of work.

So, I’m content to just enjoy romantic feelings when I have them while relishing the freedom of my single life.

Final Thoughts

Too often, we become enamored by things or people that seem attractive to us. But when we look deeper, we may find that they’re not in alignment with our personal values. This is why we have to be careful when we start trying to design our ideal life. We shouldn’t design it based on our perception of what we think might be fun or nice to have. We should design it based on what truly matters to us.

Of course, there are some things we might have to experience before we realize they don’t align with who we are. I don’t know if I ever would have known how much I disliked having a perm until I had one. But we can learn from those kinds of experiences and apply the lessons going forward.

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you would like to start taking steps to build an authentic life for yourself, I created a free PDF that might be able to help. If you’ve ever wanted to go on a self-discovery journey but didn’t know where to start, this PDF is for you. Click here to find out more.