If you’ve read some of my other posts, you know unrequited love is one of my favorite topics to discuss. The reason for this is simple—I have more experience with unrequited love than I do with the requited kind. And the only real experience I’ve had with the requited kind has been through fictional characters I’ve created.

Something I’ve often pondered is, why do some people find it so easy for their love to be requited while others, like me, have had it so often unrequited? (This is similar to the question I ask in this post.) After years of pondering, I’ve come up with the following seven reasons.

7 Reasons You May Often Experience Unrequited Love

1. You’re not being true to yourself.

   I describe in this post how inauthenticity led me to some of my unrequited crushes. In the past, I often fell in love with people who practiced spirituality the way I used to. But that was an inauthentic spirituality on my part, which meant I was being attracted to them for inauthentic reasons.
   
   Now that I’m practicing a spirituality that is more authentic to me, I’m in a better position to be drawn to someone for authentic reasons.
   
   If you’ve never been on a journey of self-discovery, you may not really know who you are. As a result, you may often find yourself drawn to people for reasons that are inauthentic to you.
   
   Consciously or unconsciously, you may be drawn to qualities that match what you think you’re supposed to want in a partner because this is what your friends like or what your parents taught you to look for or what society seems to say is worthwhile.
   
   But if these qualities aren’t truly important to you, this will make you incompatible with the people you’re drawn to. They may pick up on that on some level, and that will lead to a lot of unrequited crushes.
   
   Before you continue your search for love, take time to get to know yourself. Go on a journey of self-discovery. Find out what values are essential to you and what qualities you truly seek in a partner. If you do this, you may find potential partners where you didn’t know to look before. And one of those potential partners may be the one for you.

2. The people you’re most compatible with may not be who you expect.

   This ties into the previous point. If you’re constantly drawn to people who don’t return your affection, it could be because you’re being drawn to the wrong people. It’s possible that your life partner is on the other side of the world. Maybe they live in a different country or come from a different culture. Maybe you’re going to have to travel to find them. Or maybe they’ll travel to find you.

   
   You may be atypical from the people around you in a number of ways. If so, you may find you’re more compatible with people who are also different. But if you’ve only crushed on the people around you, this may be why your love has often been unrequited—you’re too different for them.
   
   Always remember that different isn’t bad. It’s just different. But if you’ve spent all or most of your life conforming to what other people expect of you, you may not know just how atypical you are. People may still be able to pick up on it, though.
   
   Before really diving into the search for love, take time to discover your differences and what makes you special. This will help you get clearer on what you really want in a partner. And though it’s not necessary to travel to find yourself, it can definitely help.
   
   My only advice is, don’t travel just for the sake of finding love. If you do and you don’t find it right away, you might have many wonderful experiences, but you won’t appreciate them because you didn’t get the one thing you wanted. This is actually true of life—you may miss or take for granted all that you do have because you haven’t yet found this one thing you’re seeking.
   
   Don’t make that mistake—now or while traveling. Appreciate what you have while you wait for what you want. And if you do travel, go for the experience. If you should happen to find love along the way, all the better.

3. You’re not ready for a real relationship.

   Some people may consciously or unconsciously choose to like people who are unavailable or who they know, on some level, will most likely never return their love. These people may have genuine feelings for their crush. They may be drawn to this person for authentic reasons.
   
   But, ultimately, they’re not crushing because they truly like this person. They’re doing it because they want someone to fantasize about and because they enjoy the feeling of being in love. After all, that is one of the positives of unrequited love—it evokes feelings of love.
   
   These people may never come clean with their feelings because they aren’t actually ready to put themselves out there that way. They enjoy the feeling of loving someone from a distance or keeping their love secret. But they’re not ready for all the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship.
   
   If you’ve been known to do this but now long for something more substantial, you’re going to have to tell your crush how you feel. If they don’t tell you they like you first, that’s the only way you’ll know if there’s potential for a relationship between you.
   
   But if you choose this course, make sure you really are ready for a relationship. Relationships are hard work. They require time, sacrifice, commitment, and endless patience. If you don’t think you’re ready, take time to get ready before you pursue a relationship with someone.
   
   One way to do this is by strengthening all the relationships you currently have—including the one you have with yourself. Remember, if you don’t love spending time with yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to.
   
   Also remember that being in a healthy relationship means both partners take time for self-care. So, if you’re not in the habit of caring for yourself and taking care of your needs, start now.

4. You’ve taken your tendency to idealize too far.

   Our unrequited crushes are usually fueled by the fantasies we have about them. And those fantasies usually place those crushes in their most ideal light. In fact, those fantasies may do away with all our crushes’ flaws altogether, making them into impossibly perfect people who could never exist in real life.
   
   A real person can never live up to the standards you set for them in your fantasies. If you expect a human to be exactly like your idealized version of them, you will always be disappointed. And you’ll put people into the awkward situation of having to live up to these expectations.
   
   They may sense this on some level—that you’re seeking something from them that they can’t give—and reject your love as a result. They don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who expects the impossible.
   
   Remember that all people are flawed. There is no perfect person. But there is someone who’s perfect for you. If you haven’t already, accustom yourself to loving people for who they are, not for who you want or expect them to be.

5. You often come off as desperate.

   Desperation is one of the least attractive qualities to have when searching for a partner. People don’t want to feel that you’ve chosen them because you’re desperate. They want to feel chosen because you like them for who they are.
   
   If you lead with desperation or come off as at all desperate when you meet or interact with a potential partner, you’re most likely going to find your feelings unrequited.
   
   Desperation can look like any number of things. It can look like constantly texting someone throughout the day, asking how their day is going, what are they up to, how was work, and what are their plans. It can look like always being the one to reach out first or arrange plans to get together.
   
   It can look like changing yourself to match someone else’s idea of who you should be. It can look like catering to someone’s every whim. It can look like never saying no.
   
   As long as you’re denying your needs and devoting all your time and attention to someone else’s, you’re coming off as desperate. If you hope to find requited love, this is something you should never do.
   
   The only people who find desperation attractive are people looking to take advantage of you. Since these aren’t the people you want to be in a relationship with, take time to get your desperation in check before approaching potential partners.
   
   Remember that it’s ok to enjoy being single while you wait for a partner. Remember that having a relationship is not a cure for loneliness. Remember you don’t have to have a relationship just because everyone around you is partnering or getting married.
   
   And remember that you don’t want to choose someone out of desperation any more than you’d want someone to do the same to you. When you’re desperate, you tend to settle. Don’t settle. Wait for true, reciprocal love.

6. You’ve never come clean with your feelings.

   If you liked someone but never actually told them how you felt, how do you know your feelings were unrequited? It’s possible they liked you, too, but they were just shy. Maybe they were waiting for you to say something first. In a world where everyone is waiting for someone else to say something first, no one says anything and true feelings are never disclosed.
   
   It’s true that I have strong feelings about if and when people of the INFJ personality type should reveal their feelings. This is because of how strongly INFJs love. But when they feel it’s safe to come clean, they shouldn’t hold back.
   
   Anyone who has strong feelings about something and the opportunity to express those feelings should do so. Feelings of love are no exception. My only advice is, make sure this person you’re confessing to is worthy of your love.
   
   Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting you confess your undying love for the waiter who always takes your order at a restaurant you often go to (unless you feel a burning desire to do that). But if they seem like an intriguing person, you can ask if they want to get a coffee or something.
   
   And that’s the thing. You don’t have to express your love for someone right away. You can try to have a relationship with them first. Once you get to know each other and see whether or not you really are compatible, it should be easier to come clean with your feelings.
   
   And even if this other person didn’t like you that way before, after spending time with you, they might come to. And if you confess to them at this point, your love will no longer be unrequited. (Yay!)
   
   Bottom line: If your crushes are usually unrequited because you’ve never told anyone that you like them, you might want to find the courage to confess.

7. You haven’t yet found your soulmate.

   This is a theory I have and I’m curious to see how it plays out in real life. I think it’s possible that some of us just love so hard that our Higher Power is being merciful to us by not allowing most of our crushes to be requited.
   
   That Power knows that we would be left so devastated by these people that we would never be able to recover enough to open our heart fully to the one meant for us.
   
   If this theory turned out to be true, it would most likely apply to people who love deeply. INFJs, for instance, love so deeply that even unrequited crushes they’ve moved on from will always have a place in their heart.
   
   There’s a huge difference between getting over an unrequited crush and getting over a breakup. I describe the differences between these types of love in this post. It’s possible that some of us love so deeply that we can only be with our soulmate.
   
   This means we’ll never click fully with anyone else. And it means we’ll probably have to experience a lot of unrequited love. But that’s ok. Every heartbreak brings us one step closer to true love.
   
   I don’t think this would be the case for most people. It’s a hard way to live and a hard way to love. I think it would only be the case for a select few—for those who can handle it.

Final Thoughts

I’m very sorry if most or all of your crushes have been unrequited up till now. But don’t lose heart. I believe there’s someone out there for everyone who truly desires a partner.

You might have to do some work on yourself before you meet your special someone, though. Or you just might have to be a little more patient. But whatever your situation, know that every day brings you one day closer to meeting the one meant for you.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think some people often experience unrequited love?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: December 12, 2024