Sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to have a crush and then move on as if I never had any feelings for that person. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to just move on once I realize my feelings aren’t being reciprocated.

But moving on from a crush tends to be different for INFJs. (I consider myself one.) While it’s definitely possible for INFJs to have superficial crushes—I know I’ve had some—when we’ve invested real feelings into someone, even someone who never returned our love, moving on can be a challenge to say the least.

Before I get into that, though, I wanted to let you know that if you’re an INFJ who’s dealing with one-sided love and looking for a refuge where you’re free to feel all your intense feelings while also getting in-depth advice on how to handle them, you might want to check out INFJ Crush Corner. You can click here to learn more.

One of the Most Challenging Aspects of Letting Go

There are many different aspects of moving on that can make it especially challenging for INFJs. But I think the hardest part about it is the uncertainty.

For me, when I think about moving on from a crush, I can’t help but wonder if there was something else I could or should have done. It’s like I don’t want to leave the story unfinished. In a society where we love happy endings, it can be hard to leave the ending so open in real life.

Also, the uncertainty will likely lead to a lot of “what if” questions about what would have happened if the relationship had been given a real chance. And there will likely be a lot of “why” questions, too.

The “What If” Questions

To avoid having some of those “what if” questions, I do advise people to confess their feelings to their crush. That way they won’t always be wondering what would have happened if they had confessed. Confessing is a way to give your crush the chance to express how they feel about you if they don’t confess to having feelings first.

But as I mention in this post, INFJs have to be careful when confessing to their crush. My main advice would be to only confess if you’re able to confess—that is, you’re in a position to actually talk to your crush or write them a letter—and if you feel comfortable confessing.

You don’t want to be confessing to someone who barely acknowledges your presence or who only comes to you when they need something. And ideally you want to feel that your crush might actually reciprocate because of the attention they give you during your interactions.

You might also want to consider confessing hypothetically if you’re very unsure of how your crush feels (or if you’re not sure how strongly you feel). Or, if you’re feeling especially bold, you might want to ask them on a date so you can get to know them better before confessing.

But if you confess and your crush either doesn’t reciprocate or leaves things open, you will still probably have to deal with some “what if” questions.

What if I had confessed differently? What if I had waited longer before confessing? What if they’re just hiding their true feelings? What if I tried to be funnier or more playful or something like that? Would they have reciprocated my feelings then?

And another big “what if” question that might pop up is this one: “What if I hold on a little longer?” This is a thought that makes you think things might change, and so it convinces you to hold on and keep hoping that they will. But this thought can keep you stuck and it’s not helpful for moving forward.

What I truly believe is that, if you’re meant to be with someone, one day you’ll be together. But if you feel that now is the time for you to let go of this person, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is whatever is necessary for you to let go.

The “Why” Questions

Some of the “why” questions that might come up are these: Why did we meet at all if it was just going to end like this? Why did I feel such a strong connection to them, only for our relationship to fizzle? What was it all for? Did I mean anything to them at all? Did they feel anything at all?

I feel like these are the kinds of questions you only find the answer to later, as you keep moving forward. But not having the answers can make it harder to let go.

How Distraction Can Help With Moving On

One big thing that can help keep INFJs from dwelling too much on these questions is to stay distracted. And when I say distracted, I’m not talking about binge-watching shows or mindlessly scrolling through social media. I’m talking about doing something productive—something that makes you feel like you’re doing something. It doesn’t have to be a big something, but it should be something that’s meaningful to you.

In this post, I offer suggestions that people in general can use to distract themselves when trying to move on from a crush. These are activities that involve both the body and the mind, so they’re ideal for staying distracted from incessant thoughts and questions. But that’s the key for any medium you use for distraction. It should involve both your mind and your body.

If you’re doing something like chores that involves mostly your body but not your mind, your mind will still be free to wander. You want to be actively engaged in the activity or activities you choose for distraction. Even reading can count, but you might want to stay away from love stories for a while.

Be Careful Not to Run from Your Emotions

Something you do have to be careful of, though, is becoming so distracted that you don’t actually allow yourself to feel the pain of moving on. You don’t want to run from your emotions. If you need to cry because you feel sad, then let yourself cry. And you can let yourself have the occasional moment when you ponder the answer to some of those “what if” and “why” questions.

Because INFJs love deeply, letting go of a crush that they’ve invested real feelings into will most likely be a very painful experience for them. But if you know the time has come to move on, don’t be afraid to allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come up. This is the only way you’ll be able to heal.

Distraction, though, is helpful for those times you’re thinking too much about what happened or dwelling too much on those incessant questions. This isn’t helpful for moving on. This kind of overthinking will actually keep you stuck and prevent you from moving forward. That’s why it’s important to have distracting activities that you can use to occupy your time and your mind. But you will also need time to feel all the feelings that come up as you let go.

INFJs and Overthinking

INFJs have very active minds. This is what can lead us to overthink things, like what we said when we answered a question in class or what we wrote in a text to our crush. But our active minds—or overactive minds, rather—can also lead us to dwell endlessly on the kinds of questions I just mentioned, rather than doing what’s necessary to actually move forward.

Our minds may also constantly replay all the good times we shared with our crush or all the pleasant conversations we had, even if those conversations only took place online. Distraction can help with all of this.

Again, though, you don’t want to distract yourself so much that you don’t actually allow yourself to heal. You just want to be distracted enough that you’re not so focused on trying to figure out what happened that you don’t do anything to make progress in your own life.

Final Thoughts

Distraction can be extraordinarily helpful when INFJs need to move on from unrequited love. Distraction can help keep INFJs from endlessly turning over the questions that might arise as they try to let go of their crush. It can also help keep them from dwelling too much on the pleasant encounters or conversations they had with their crush, rather than taking the steps necessary to move forward.

While INFJs shouldn’t use distraction as a way to avoid feeling their emotions, it’s very useful for keeping their overactive minds from focusing too much on unhelpful thoughts. This, in turn, can make it easier for them to heal from the pain of letting go of their crush.

Now I turn it to you. Why do you think distraction is so important for INFJs moving on from a crush?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!