What should you do when your crush is your best friend? Panic.

No, don’t panic. That’s never the best response in any situation. But I know that, at times, that’s exactly what you’ll feel like doing.

You do everything with your best friend. You watch movies together. You go shopping together. You laugh and cry together. You share inside jokes. You talk on the phone or text each other constantly. And this is the one person you can talk to about anything. Books. Movies. Stresses. Joys. Disappointments. Likes. Dislikes. And…crushes?

Well, no, not if your crush is your best friend. Then you might invent crushes to talk to them about. Or you might talk about other people who are crushing on each other or crushes in the vague, general sense. You might even read magazine articles or blog posts about crushes and relationships. But you can’t be honest about who you’re crushing on. Not yet anyway. Why? Because you don’t want to lose this great thing you have.

I fully understand how hard it can be to be best friends with your crush. I know how reluctant you’ll be to share how you feel. It’s hard enough to tell any friend that you like them. But when it’s your best friend—your bestie—your best bud—the difficulty increases exponentially.

In this situation, I find that you really have only two options:

1. Continue the friendship without ever confessing your feelings.

2. Tell your friend how you feel.

Both of these options have their pros and cons, and by considering them, it might help you decide whether or not you should confess your feelings to your friend. So, let’s take a look at some of them.

Pros of Continuing the Friendship Without Confessing

1. You get to hold onto the beautiful friendship you have now.

   I’m sure you love the relationship you have with your friend. By not confessing, you get to hold onto it. You get to continue doing all those things you enjoy together without added complications. On some level, I’m sure that makes you very happy.

2. You don’t have to worry about your friend rejecting you romantically.

   Since rejection is probably what you most fear if you confess, by not confessing, you never risk rejection. Your friend can’t reject you if you don’t put yourself in the position to be rejected. I’m sure that gives you some sense of peace.
   
   (It’s worth noting, though, that if your friend crushes on or dates someone else, you may still feel rejected. But that’s not an official rejection because you never confessed.)

Cons of Continuing the Friendship Without Confessing

1. You feel like you’re living a lie.

   When you like someone, there will be certain things you want to talk to them about and things you want to do with them—the kinds of things you can’t talk about or do if you never move your relationship beyond friendship, unless you don’t mind blurry lines.
   
   I know you think you can talk to your best friend about anything, but you’ll notice there will be times when you want to broach certain romantic subjects that you won’t feel comfortable discussing because of your feelings. And if you discuss them, you won’t be able to be direct, only vague or hypothetical.
   
   Also, since best friends don’t tend to keep secrets from each other, by keeping your feelings a secret, you’re guarding one of the most precious secrets of all.

2. You’ll have to endure hearing your friend talk about their crushes.

   If you don’t tell your friend how you feel and they never figure it out on their own, they’ll feel free to talk about the people they like.
   
   If you’re the kind of person who likes counseling others when it comes to relationship matters, you might not mind listening to them or advising them when they talk about their crushes with you. But if you’re not that kind of person, these conversations will bother you a lot. And it’ll only get worse if your friend starts dating someone else.

3. You may never know if your friend feels the same way.

   If you never tell your friend how you feel and they never tell you they have any romantic feelings for you, you’ll never know if you could have had a romantic relationship with them. That means you’ll always be wandering around with that nagging “what if…?” question.
   
   You two could have been great together. You could have had a beautiful romance. But now you’ll never know. It’s up to you whether you can live with that or not.

Pros of Telling Your Friend How You Feel

1. You release the weight of those heavy feelings.

   The sense that you’re living a lie will vanish as soon as you reveal how you feel. That alone will remove a tremendous weight from your shoulders. Now all you have to do is wait for your friend to respond.

2. You give your friend a chance to share how they feel.

   If your friend never confessed to having any romantic feelings for you, that doesn’t mean they never felt any. They could have liked you back, but, like you, they were scared of ruining the friendship so they never said anything.
   
   By confessing, you give them a chance to share how they feel. I go into more detail about the possible responses to a love confession in this post, but basically, your friend will either reciprocate your feelings, not reciprocate them, or leave things open. I do hope, though, that since this is your best friend, they won’t leave you with no response. And what I really hope is that they reciprocate your feelings.
   
   (By the way, that post talks about the possible responses an INFJ can expect after confessing their love, but it’s really the advice there that’s for INFJs. The responses are those anyone can expect.)

3. You may find requited love.

   If your friend responds to your confession by telling you they like you, too, then you get to start a romantic relationship with them. While I’m sure the friendship you had was great, this new relationship will allow you two to bond much deeper than ever before. For me, this possibility is more than enough to make the risk of confessing worth it. But that’s just me.

Cons of Telling Your Friend How You Feel

1. If your friend doesn’t reciprocate, you’ll feel the sting of rejection.

   Rejection always hurts. But when it’s your best friend who’s rejecting you, that can make the pain worse.
   
   You knew you had this great relationship going but you wanted more and you took the risk of asking for more only to find out that your friend only sees you as a friend. Now you have all these questions swarming through your mind. “Why did I confess? Why didn’t I just keep my feelings to myself? Why doesn’t my friend see me that way? I think we’d be good together, so why don’t they?”
   
   Just remember, if you hadn’t confessed, you always would have wondered what would have happened if you had. Now you don’t have to wonder, so you have no reason to regret confessing. Tell that to all the voices in your head when you want them to shut up.

2. If your friend doesn’t reciprocate, your friendship might be awkward for a while.

   Now that your friend knows how you feel but has revealed that they don’t feel the same way, you’re going to have to navigate this new friendship you have. It won’t be as easy and simple as it once was. You might even have to distance yourself from your friend for some time while you try to move on if you feel in your heart that’s what you need to do.
   
   I know this can be hard since you two used to spend so much time together, but this will give you an opportunity to meet new people and make new friends. Any opportunity for growth like this is worth taking.
   
   But if your friend didn’t reject you per se, you might still be able to stay close friends. And even if you can’t be close friends now, hopefully sometime in the future you’ll be able to return to a more comfortable friendship.

Final Thoughts

It’s always a challenge to stay just friends with someone you like, especially if you never have any intention of confessing. But I can’t make your decision about what you do for you. I can only offer you my best advice and help you understand the positives and negatives of both options in this situation. The rest is up to you. (But in case you couldn’t already tell, I am biased toward confessing.)

Now it’s your turn. What do you think people should do when their crush is their best friend?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Last updated: February 17, 2024