I believe it’s a good idea to tell the person you love that you love them. But experience has taught me that INFJs have to be selective about when to make this kind of confession.

People-Pleasing

INFJs tend to be people-pleasers. Because we empathize deeply, it’s hard for us to say no when others ask us for favors. We know how hard it can be to ask for something, and we feel bad turning someone down when they mustered up the courage to ask us.

This tendency can get even stronger when our crush is the one making requests. Now, it’s one thing when we do them favors while they’re still in the dark about our feelings. They may have some idea why we’re being so kind to them, but it’s not the same as knowing. When they know we like them, it becomes a weapon they can use to take advantage of our generosity.

When we do the favors they ask of us, even those we’d rather not do, we may think we’re encouraging them to see our helpfulness as more reason that they should reciprocate our feelings. But the deep feelings of INFJs can scare others who are looking for something different—like something more casual or shallow.

Since it’s hard for us INFJs to hide the depth and sincerity of our affections, the people we like may realize early on that they won’t be able reciprocate them. But they may and too often do try to take advantage of our giving nature when they know how we feel.

Try to Wait for the Other Person

This is why I believe that, in most cases, INFJs shouldn’t be the first to reveal their feelings. Instead, painful as it may be, they should wait until the person they like comes clean with their feelings.

Unless that other person is also an INFJ, their feelings will usually be shallower than those of an INFJ. So, ideally, the INFJ should know before they reveal their feelings that the other person has feelings strong enough to prompt a confession. (If both people are INFJs, I think it’s safe for either person to go first.)

Making the Revelation

As I mention in my post “How Can an INFJ Move On from Unrequited Love?”, if an INFJ feels compelled to reveal their feelings without knowing how the other person feels, they should really consider doing so only when they’re able to and feel comfortable.

Being able has to do with accessibility and location. It’s hard to reveal your feelings to someone who lives on the other side of the country or the world and has no idea you exist. If they do know you exist, though, even if they live far away, it doesn’t hurt to share your feelings if you think they might feel the same way.

That’s where being comfortable comes into play. As an INFJ, you should try to confess your feelings only when you think the other person will reciprocate. I wouldn’t advise you to confess to someone who clearly has no interest in you. Even if the other person hasn’t said anything, you should look for signs that this person shares your feelings.

Do they enjoy spending time alone with you? Do they like talking to you? Do they usually take your calls? Or, if you’re not much of a caller, do they usually return your texts or emails without delay? Do they call, text, or email you about as often as you do? Are you compatible? Do you feel genuinely comfortable around this person? Do you find that they treat you with dignity and respect?

If you can answer yes to most or all of these questions, I’d say you can go ahead and share your feelings with this person. But if that is your choice, you should also prepare yourself for likely responses. I’ll go more into likely responses to a revelation of love in another post. But, in general, the other person will either reciprocate, not reciprocate, or leave things open.

Possible Responses

If the person reciprocates, you have officially entered the realm of requited love, and I congratulate you.

If the person doesn’t reciprocate, you can continue to be friends, hoping they’ll change their mind someday. In my post “Is It Worth Holding Onto an Unrequited Crush?”, I talk about instances where it might not be a bad idea to continue crushing on someone who doesn’t share your feelings.

But, bearing in mind how deep and lasting an INFJ’s love can be, don’t fall into the trap of pining for someone who may never reciprocate. You don’t want to miss out on true love because you were stuck on someone else.

If the person leaves things open, you have to decide whether it’s worth it to continue crushing on them. And if you decide it is, I would advise you to set boundaries on the relationship. This article from Introvert, Dear goes into more detail about what that entails.

Decide before things go any further what you will and will not tolerate—what kinds of favors you will and will not do. If you ever feel you’re being taken advantage of, tell the other person.

If they’re willing to stop treating you that way, that’s great. But if they’re not, you might want to reconsider whether this person is really worth your time and affection. Remember, INFJ love is strong. Don’t waste it on just anyone.

Personally, if someone is this indecisive at this stage in a relationship, I would consider that a red flag to watch out for in case your friendship becomes something more. That indecision will probably manifest itself in other ways later. But if you think you can handle it because this is just a minor flaw and, otherwise, this person is truly wonderful, go ahead.

Now I turn it to you. Do you think INFJs should tell their crushes how they feel? And if so, when?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024