I wonder what life was like before movies—before people got to repeatedly experience a satisfying conclusion after a long, arduous journey. What were their expectations about life like back then? I wonder.

The sad truth is, sometimes in life, we don’t get the closure we crave. I’ve had a lot of experience with that in matters of the heart.

Closure is nice because it makes it easier for us to move on when that’s what we need to do. I talk in this post about how INFJs and other deep lovers have an almost infinite capacity for hope. Without closure, that hope can continue indefinitely.

But sometimes we have to move on without closure. Sometimes we have to let go because the other person has clearly moved on and all we’re doing is holding onto a beautiful dream—a dream of what might have been.

Before Moving On

Before you begin the moving on process, though, first make sure that all channels for closure are really closed. If your crush barely acknowledges you or isn’t someone you can see or talk to easily, it’s pretty safe to assume that there are no potential doors for closure still open.

But if you can talk to this person, try to. And if possible, talk to them in a way they can’t ignore you—in other words, talk to them in person.

Ask them what happened. If they knew you liked them, why did they leave things open? If they didn’t know, start by sharing your feelings—if you feel it’s safe to do so—and then ask how they feel. And be prepared for their possible responses.

You can try to reach them indirectly—through text, email, or social media, for example. But this method runs a great risk of them being able to ignore what you have to say. If that happens, it’ll only make you feel worse.

So, after talking to them in person, a call would be the next best way to get closure. (While it’s possible for someone to ignore you in person or on the phone, it’s much harder than it is through more indirect means.)

Just make sure you’re not moving on prematurely. If you’ve decided to let go of your crush before you’ve even given a relationship a chance, you might want to reconsider—unless you have a solid reason for keeping your feelings secret.

But if all avenues for closure are closed and you find yourself in the position of having to move on without it, the following four tips might help.

4 Tips for Moving On Without Closure

1. Write a letter you never send.

   This one comes straight out of Lara Jean’s playbook in the To All the Boys series. But I’ve actually done this, and it’s tremendously helpful if you have to move on without closure.
   
   In this post, I talk about a crush I once had that was sustained chiefly by rumination. When everything ended, I found that I had so much more I wanted to say that I was never able to. All potential doors for closure had been shut.
   
   So, I wrote this person a letter that I still have in a drawer somewhere. I honestly would have sent it if I had his address, but I didn’t.
   
   And, frankly, I’m glad I didn’t. If I had sent the letter and he never responded, that would have made me feel worse. And all the time I wasted waiting for a response would have been time I could have spent moving on.
   
   Even though the letter didn’t call for a response, I know I would have still been waiting for one if I had sent it. As it is, writing the letter allowed me to get out everything I wanted to say but couldn’t. And that allowed me to begin the healing process.

2. Use art to give yourself closure.

   If you can’t get closure in reality—after you have a good cry or even while you’re in the middle of one—you can use fiction to get it.
   
   Write a story or a screenplay where you and a fictionalized version of your crush end up together or where you at least get to enjoy a more satisfying conclusion than the one you had in real life. (You can create a fictionalized version of yourself, too, if you want.)
   
   You can also give yourself closure through music or poetry. Write a song or a poem about moving on. You can even write more than one if you can’t fit all your feelings into one or if it takes more than one to reach a place of closure. You can also feel free to use a mix of media.
   
   While all art can help you release your emotions, I find it even more helpful to use words when you’re seeking closure because it would have been words that led to closure in life.
   
   But that’s just my perspective. If you can give yourself closure through painting, pottery, dance or any other art form that doesn’t rely on words, use it.

3. Try to find something you can take away from the experience.

   Even if your real-life story with this person ended inconclusively, I’m sure there are lessons you learned or experiences you had that never would have happened if you had never crushed on this person.
   
   Maybe they helped you learn something about yourself, like what qualities you really want in a partner. Or maybe they helped reveal qualities in you that you didn’t know you had.
   
   Maybe they taught you something you never knew before. Maybe they taught you how to do something you never could before. Maybe they inspired you to create art that never would have otherwise existed.
   
   In life, no experience is wasted if you can learn something from it or take something from it. This is true of both pleasant and painful experiences.

4. Learn to surrender.

   Surrendering is probably one of the most unnatural things for me. By nature, I’m someone who wants to have control. But I’ve noticed that, often when I try to force things in life, the results can be disastrous. But when I let things happen naturally, the results are beautiful.
   
   I am by no means an expert in the art of surrender. But I do see the value in it. When you have to move on from a crush without closure, you have to find a way to surrender all the unknowns surrounding your relationship.
   
   You may never know why you didn’t get closure with this person. You may never know why things seemed to be falling into place one minute, but then suddenly fell apart. You may never know why all those dreams you had weren’t fulfilled.
   
   Surrender all those unknowns to your Higher Power. Maybe you’ll find the answers someday, but try to be ok with not knowing. And I hope this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke helps:
   
   “Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Don’t search for the answers which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers.”

Final Thoughts

If you combine these suggestions with the ones I offer in this post, you should have a good toolbox of resources for letting go of this crush even without closure. (Actually, these four tips can be useful for moving on from any sort of heartbreak without closure, even the heartbreak after a breakup.) And that means you’ll soon be ready to let someone new into your heart.

Now it’s your turn. How would you advise INFJs to move on from an unrequited crush without closure?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024