As an INFJ who’s been single for a long time (as in, always), I’ve taken some time to ask myself why. When I get past the notion that something is wrong with me and seriously consider what might be going on, I have to say there are certain behaviors I have or had that aren’t very conducive to finding a partner. Answering the questions I present in this post has helped me to see that.

If you’re an INFJ who has been single for a while or who struggles to find or keep a partner, consider asking yourself the following five questions to find out why this might be the case.

5 Questions Single INFJs Can Ask Themselves

1. How well do you know yourself?

   While getting to know yourself is a lifelong process, it’s still a good idea to start working on it as soon as you can—preferably before entering a relationship with someone. Because when you find potential partners, you’ll want them to get to know the real you, not a version of you that’s based on societal expectations or others’ ideas of who you should be.
   
   This is one reason I think INFJs would do well to go on a journey of self-discovery. For me, for example, I used to be very religious, and so I was drawn to people who were also religious. But after taking some time to learn more about myself, I discovered that I’m actually more spiritual than religious. This means I was being drawn to people for reasons that were inauthentic to me. I talk more about that in this post.
   
   But simply asking yourself this question can help you better understand whether you’re being yourself as you look for a partner or being drawn to others for reasons that aren’t authentic to you.

2. Why do you want a partner?

   We INFJs are human, despite any theories to the contrary. And as humans, it’s natural for us to compare ourselves to other humans. So, when we look around and see that other people are having relationships, sometimes that’s enough for us to want one, too.
   
   Never mind that our life is a mess or that we’re having trouble meeting our own needs. Never mind that we’re still searching for a sense of purpose or direction. Others have a partner, so we want one, too.
   
   But, of course, we may be looking for different things in a partner than others are looking for—things like depth and soul connection. We may even be looking for a partner to give us a sense of purpose or direction. But if we don’t want a partner simply to add something to our otherwise happy and fulfilling lives, then we may want to rethink our reasons for wanting a partner (more on that in the next point).

3. Are you looking for a partner or someone you can help?

   This point really hit home after I watched this amazing YouTube video by Wenzes, an INFJ life coach. If I wasn’t being drawn to someone because they were religious, I was being drawn to them because I felt I could heal or help them in some way.
   
   Since INFJs are healers, it’s very natural for us to want to heal others. But we shouldn’t be looking for a partner who needs healing. We should be looking for a partner who has their act together. They won’t be perfect, of course. No human is. But they shouldn’t need you for anything other than your company, love, and support.
   
   I have to admit that the idea of entering a relationship with someone who has their act together and doesn’t need any real help or healing from me sounded kind of boring at first. It’s like, “What exactly am I supposed to do? If I’m not helping or healing, what is my role in this relationship supposed to be?”
   
   Not only that, but thinking about being with someone like that made me realize that I also need to have my act together before even looking for such a person.
   
   And so, just as Wenzes says in the video, our task becomes to work on ourselves, rather than fixing or healing someone else. Then we’ll be in a much better place to attract the kind of partner we want.

4. Are you ready for a partner right now?

   Sometimes you may want a partner for reasons that are real to you, but it’s just not the best time for you to enter a relationship. Maybe you would like to take some time to do the work I mentioned in the previous point. Maybe you would like to get to know yourself better first, as I mentioned in the first point.
   
   Maybe your heart hasn’t healed enough from a previous relationship. Maybe you’re just too busy or your life is too much of a mess. Or maybe, when you look deep inside, you realize that you don’t actually want a partner, at least not right now. Maybe you find that your own company is more than enough for you right now.
   
   Maybe you like the idea of companionship, but maybe you aren’t ready for all the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship with another person.
   
   It’s good to be honest with yourself about whether now is the right time for you to enter a relationship before seriously considering entering one. And you might also want to consider if the companionship you seek is romantic or just a deep connection with another person.

5. How often do you put yourself in close proximity to potential partners?

   The answer for me has been…not often. As an INFJ, I am an introvert, which means I don’t need much social stimulation to be happy. The same tends to be true of INFJs in general. But the chances of meeting potential partners are much slimmer when you stay home and read a book or watch a movie than if you go out to social functions.
   
   I’m not saying you have to suddenly become a party animal or attend every social event you can find. I’m just saying, the more often you attend events where potential partners might be found, the more likely you are to meet one.
   
   I think the key is to go to events that genuinely interest you. Although I know you’re looking for much more than a relationship based on shared interests, it can be a good place to start.

Final Thoughts

As an INFJ, you have a tremendous capacity for love. But you also have very high standards and you’re looking for a deep soul connection with another person. That kind of relationship can take time to find and develop. So, don’t blame yourself if you’re still single or if you’ve struggled to find a partner.

Instead, try to do some introspection to figure out if you’re seeking a partner for reasons that are authentic to you and whether you might want to work on yourself before inviting someone else into your life.

Now it’s your turn. If you’re an INFJ who’s still single, do you find any of these questions relevant to you? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024