After taking inventory of my own serious crushes over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern. There are seven more or less distinct stages that they tend to go through. I’ve now combined that pattern with what I know of INFJs and INFJ love in general to give INFJs a framework within which they can understand their own crushes. I call this framework “The 7 Stages of an INFJ Crush.”

The 7 Stages of an INFJ Crush

Stage #1: The Crush Begins

An INFJ encounters a person and feels a deep connection to them. They may encounter this person in real life or from a distance, like a celebrity, but somehow they feel a connection that sparks a crush. Logic isn’t usually consulted at this stage. Everything is feelings and emotions.

Stage #2: The Crush Intensifies

The INFJ wants to know everything about their crush. Their favorite food. Their favorite color. Their hopes and dreams. Childhood experiences that may still be affecting them now. Everything.

The INFJ also thinks about their crush constantly. If they do know them in real life, they want to be around them as much as they can (unless they’re really shy, in which case they’ll probably avoid them as much as they can). They might also try to talk to them, chat with them, or text them often. And they will be very responsive to their crush’s messages.

Additionally, the INFJ will be entertaining endless fantasies about their crush, imagining all sorts of wonderful things that may or may not have anything to do with what they actually know of them.

Stage #3: Attachment Forms

The INFJ is still thinking about their crush all the time, but now what they really want is to connect to their soul. They probably feel the connection to their crush on a very deep level and may even believe they’ve found their soulmate. Even without reciprocation, they may already feel they’re in a relationship with this person.

At this stage, they’ll be ready to drop everything and run whenever this person needs them. The INFJ will miss this person terribly whenever they’re not together. They may adopt this person’s habits and take an interest in their interests. An INFJ may even go so far as to neglect their own needs and desires to be there for the one they love.

Stage #4: To Confess or Not to Confess?

The INFJ’s strong feelings and emotions may or may not prompt a confession. If they do and the other person reciprocates, they’ll most likely enter a relationship. This will end the crush on a positive note and the stages of that INFJ’s crush will end there.

If the INFJ confesses and the other person doesn’t reciprocate or gives no clear response, the next stage will most likely follow immediately after. And if the INFJ can’t confess or chooses not to for some reason, the next stage will simply be a continuation of the previous one.

Stage #5: Attachment Continues

Even if the person the INFJ confessed to doesn’t reciprocate, their attachment to them will continue. Unless they have a good reason not to—and they’re most likely still not using much reason at this point—they will hold out hope that things will change.

They’ll hope this person realizes how right they are for each other. They’ll hope this person will reciprocate their feelings after all. And if the INFJ didn’t confess, hope and fantasy will still sustain their crush.

Either way, the INFJ may or may not have other crushes in the meantime, but this person will still be a constant presence in their heart and mind, whether or not they interact with them in real life.

Stage #6: Healing Begins

This is the stage where logic finally starts to enter the picture. The INFJ realizes, one way or another, that this crush will most likely never be reciprocated or that it will never fulfill them romantically. They finally begin to feel the attachment to this person lessen.

This can happen soon after the previous stage or it can take weeks, months, or years for them to get to a place where they’re ready to heal and move forward.

Stage #7: Moving On

INFJs don’t move on the way other people do. Other people can move on and have it be like there was never a crush to begin with. But if an INFJ has seriously loved someone, that person will always have a special place in the INFJ’s heart.

When an INFJ moves on, though, they will be free to love someone new with their whole heart. They just won’t be able to fully erase the imprint this particular person has left on them. And that’s fine. In a way, all of us carry the imprints of people who have affected us significantly. But for INFJs, those imprints tend to go much deeper.

Also, if at any point during stages 5-7 the INFJ’s crush does reciprocate, again, they’ll most likely enter a relationship and the crush will end on a positive note.

Final Thoughts

If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you’re currently dealing with an unrequited crush, it might be nice to have an idea what stage you’re in so you know better how to deal with it. And if you would like to take a deeper look at each of these stages, you might be interested in my email series “A Deep Dive into the 7 Stages of an INFJ Crush.” Simply click the picture below to learn more.

Not all INFJ crushes will follow this pattern, though, especially if the crush doesn’t run very deep. But I’ve noticed that the pattern applies to most of the serious crushes I’ve had. Can any of you INFJs relate?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: August 7, 2024