I’m definitely in the category of women who have struggled in the romance department. In fact, I’m more familiar with unrequited love than I am with the requited kind. I’m someone who’s been known for loving in secret and loving from afar.

Yes, I have crushed on some out-of-reach people and prayed for the miraculous to happen. But I’ve also liked people who were more or less within reach. Still, for one reason or another, things didn’t work out. And I’ve always wondered why.

Searching for Clues in the Past

When I was in high school, my closest friends were all girls and most weren’t into dating. And I was fine with that. But sometimes I wonder if having friends who didn’t care much for dating influenced the way I came off to boys. Maybe I unconsciously gave off a vibe that made them think I wasn’t interested.

True, I was studious, but I knew other studious girls who never had guy trouble. Then again, they went to boy-girl parties while my friends and I were content to get together and watch movies at each other’s houses.

I can’t say I ever went out of my way to attract male attention, but neither did I go out of my way to avoid it. Years ago, before I figured out I’m not much of a night life person, I used to go out with friends on occasion. And during these outings, I didn’t lean against the wall with my arms crossed. I danced with my friends, and I don’t think I appeared uninviting.

But I’ll admit that if it was cold out, I would dress for the weather. I noticed that a lot of the women we saw while we were out dressed to be noticed. Could that have contributed to my men troubles—my desire to put function before fashion? Perhaps.

An Observation

But I think my love troubles were highlighted for me while I was on a study abroad trip in college. I remember finding one of my male group mates interesting. We would hang out with other group members—always with other group members—and we would sometimes collaborate during a class we took together. But I hoped secretly that our relationship would progress to something more.

Later on in the trip, after all of us students had gotten to know each other better, I watched this guy being flirtatious with another girl in our group. He had never acted that way toward me. The girl he flirted with was pretty and nice, but she was also someone who loved to go out and party. She got her work done, but she wasn’t what I would call “school-focused.”

The “Smart Girl” Label

Though it didn’t occur to me at the time, it was that moment that made me realize I had been placed in the “smart girl” category. It’s similar to males being labeled “nice.”

In school, I was always the one people would ask for homework help—when I understood what was going on, of course. (No one would have considered asking for my help with high school history.) I was the one willing to discuss deep, multi-layered topics, often skipping superficial ones altogether. But I was never the one to date. I was never the one with multiple suitors. I was the girl studying next door.

I don’t know when it was decided that smart and romantic don’t usually coincide. Of course, smart girls marry. But why does it seem to be so much harder for smart girls to find a partner who appreciates their intelligence?

I’m aware that the term “smart” is relative. There are many different kinds of smart. I, for one, wouldn’t consider myself rocket science smart. And, again, I struggled with high school history. But being labeled “smart” in the sense I’m using it has less to do with the dictionary definition of the word and more to do with how a woman is perceived.

When a man considers a woman “smart” and uses that as an excuse to avoid viewing her in a romantic light, it means he knows she would be a fun verbal sparring partner but a threat to his masculinity as a life partner.

Still, it wouldn’t be fair of me not to mention the few guys who showed some slight interest over the years. But I saw them more as brothers. There was no romantic connection on my part. And for me to fall in love, the connection has to be there and it has to feel real, even if it only exists in my mind. You can call me picky for being this way, but this is who I am.

Going Forward

I don’t intend to give up my search for love. And if any of you are struggling—even if your struggles are different from mine—I hope you don’t give up either. I believe there’s someone for everyone who wants a partner. It just takes a little longer to find that someone sometimes.

But whatever you do, don’t ever settle. You deserve to be with someone who values you—all of you—for the wonderful person you are.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think it’s so easy for some women to find love and so hard for others?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: September 25, 2024