Being in love can be a wonderful experience. But there’s a big difference between being in love with someone and being in love with the idea of them. When you’re in love with someone, you’re in love with the whole person—their strengths and weaknesses, their endearing qualities and their flaws. But when you’re in love with the idea of them, you love a fantasy that your mind has created which may or may not have anything to do with who they really are.

Are you looking for signs you’re just in love with the idea of someone? Try asking yourself the following four questions.

4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Find Out Whether You Only Love the Idea of Someone

1. Do you feel like you know this person well?

   I think most of us have had a celebrity crush at one time or another. And if you have, then you understand what it’s like to fall in love with someone you don’t know. You may love how this celebrity presents who they are to the world. You may deeply resonate with their art. But until you actually start spending real time with them in real life, you’ll only be in love with the idea of them.
   
   This can happen even if we’re not talking about a celebrity, though. If you have a crush on someone you see every day but rarely speak to, that can also lead you to become in love with the idea of them. You imagine what it would be like if you dated or spent time together in a romantic setting.
   
   But if you don’t really know them, all your fantasies will be based on what you imagine would be wonderful to experience. But you don’t actually know if they enjoy Italian food or movie nights. So, when you imagine them, you’re only imagining an idea that would be pleasing to you.
   
   Even if you feel a strong connection to someone before meeting them and you’re convinced you’ve found your soulmate, until you get to know them in real life, you still don’t really know them. Only when you get to know the real person can you really have that romance you’re hoping for.

2. Do your fantasies of them match their real-life character?

   If you do know this person in real life, do your fantasies match what you actually know of them? For instance, do you imagine the two of you going on dates that you know you would enjoy without considering your crush’s interests? Or do you imagine dates that you know your crush would also enjoy because you’re aware of their interests?
   
   Maybe you imagine someone to be a gentleman, but in real life you’ve never even seen him open the door for someone. Maybe you imagine someone who will enjoy reading books with you, or who will read a book beside you while you read your own book. But maybe this person isn’t really into books and would rather watch TV or play sports.
   
   While it can be fun to fantasize about your crush in different settings, if they wouldn’t actually enjoy the settings you’re imagining, you’re only imagining the idea of them. And if you do get the chance to spend time with them in real life, you may be at least somewhat disappointed to learn what their real interests are. (But you could also be pleasantly surprised to learn how similar they are to yours.)

3. Are you aware of both their strengths and weaknesses?

   I’m sure you’ve probably heard it said a hundred times before, but it’s worth repeating. No human is perfect. That means even your crush will have both strengths and weaknesses. And they’ll have parts of them that are easier to love and some that are harder to love.
   
   Are you aware of all this? Or do you see your crush as this wonderful person who can do no wrong? If so, you’re most definitely in love with the idea of them.
   
   To really love someone, you have to embrace all aspects of that person. You have to accept that, while sometimes they’ll do things that make you very happy, they’ll also sometimes do things that annoy you.
   
   Over time, even these things can become things you learn to love and cherish. You may come to see them as quirks that make this person special. But you can only do this if you love and embrace the full person. If you’re only in love with the idea of them, you don’t see any of their flaws. And so, when they inevitably do something that destroys the illusion, you might feel hurt beyond comprehension.

4. Do you genuinely feel that you’re compatible?

   Even if you feel like you love someone, your feelings of love may cloud your ability to see whether or not you’re actually compatible with this person. Maybe your mental picture of the two of you together shows that you’re compatible, but in real life, your personalities may clash.
   
   Maybe the person you love is an extreme extrovert who likes to go out most days of the week, while you’re an introvert who prefers to stay in most nights. Or maybe you’re an avid traveler who’s always looking forward to their next adventure, while the person you love doesn’t like to travel.
   
   Or maybe you don’t share the same values. Maybe you value things like compassion and empathy while the person you love values things like ambition and drive. Or maybe your lifestyles don’t go well together or maybe you don’t see eye-to-eye on things that are really important to you.
   
   This may be the reality of the situation, but in your mind, you don’t see any of these things as being a problem. And while it’s true that opposites can attract and while I believe that any two people who are willing to do the work can make a relationship work, it’s important to be aware of these differences. Don’t pretend that the fantasy where it all works out without any effort on your part or your crush’s part is reality.
   
   Be aware that you’ll both probably have to make many compromises in order to have a successful relationship. And before you even enter a relationship, take time to ask yourself whether you’re willing to do the work that would be required.

Final Thoughts

Sometimes love starts with being in love with the idea of someone. It starts with you knowing someone from afar and imagining all sorts of beautiful fantasies of the two of you together. But if you never get to know this person in real life, you’ll only be in love with the idea of them. This can be especially true for people of the INFJ personality who are known to spend a lot of time in their head and to idealize the ones they love.

And even when you do start to get to know the real person, you still have to watch out for the possibility of loving only the idea of them. Your feelings of love for them can still create fantasies where you neglect to consider the reality of the situation.

People want to be loved for who they are, not for an idea of who they are. So, when it comes to both crushes and relationships, take some time to check whether you’re in love with the idea of the person or the whole person.

Now I turn it to you. How do you know you’re in love with someone or just the idea of them?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024