As you might imagine, there’s no set amount of time you should wait between realizing you have feelings for someone and telling them how you feel. I can’t tell you to wait five days or two weeks or six months or anything specific like that.

Such advice would be totally impractical since all the nuances that exist in every relationship make the ideal wait time different. Instead, I wanted to give you general advice on when I think the right time is.

Should You Confess Right Away?

Before making a love confession, it’s crucial that you know how you feel because how you can tell someone you like them if you’re not sure? In this post, I list five questions you can ask yourself to help you better understand your feelings. If they’re unclear or if you’re having trouble sorting through them, answering those questions might help you gain clarity.

But even when you know how you feel and you’re sure you like this person, you might want to hold off on confessing right away. Your feelings are yearning for expression, which is why you want to confess in the first place. And that’s fine.

But the thing is, confessing isn’t the only way for you to express them. You can also let them encourage you to ask this person on a date first.

If you don’t know a person well, you may be sure how you feel about them before you get to know them since you’re basing your feelings off what you know. And you may like what you know.

But after you get to know them better, you may find that your feelings for them change. You may end up liking them more, which would be great. Or you may find out you’re not compatible partners after all.

So, when should you confess versus asking your crush out first? I think it comes down to how well you know them. If you know them well—especially if you’re good friends—it might be best to confess before you start dating. But if you don’t know each other well, wait until after.

Confessing to a Good Friend

There are unique challenges associated with confessing love to a friend, especially if that person is your best friend. But one of the benefits is that you already know them well.

You’ve probably seen them at their best and at their worst and you’re probably aware of both their strengths and weaknesses, and you love them just as they are. There’s no love more beautiful than that.

But if you would like to try having a romantic relationship with your friend or this person you know well, I definitely think you should confess to them before you start dating. If you ask a friend out on a date without revealing your feelings for them, they’ll probably be at least a little confused about what’s going on.

Most likely, you two will have hung out together on numerous occasions, probably doing the same sorts of activities you’ll be doing on a date—like eating at a restaurant, going to the movies, going bowling, or whatever other date activities people choose.

You may ask them to do this activity in a different way—for instance, you might ask, “Would you like to go out to eat with me?” instead of just, “Do you want to get something to eat?” And you may think the way you ask the question is enough to convey the change of tone. But your friend might not pick up on that.

You may even ask your friend if they want to try dating. And you may think this is definitely enough to convey your feelings without having to make them explicit. But your friend might still be confused.

Unless they also have strong feelings for you, they may be so used to seeing you as a friend that this sudden shift could leave them unsure of how to react. It’s best to give them a chance to digest your feelings for them and respond to them before you officially shift over from a friendship to a romantic relationship.

Confessing to Someone You Don’t Know Well

If you have feelings for someone you don’t know well, then you might want to hold off on confessing your feelings until you know them better. As I said before, you may be sure about how you feel based on what you know of them. But there may be parts of their character you won’t be aware of until you spend more time with them.

This is true for everyone, but I would say especially so for people of the INFJ personality. We have vivid imaginations, strong feelings, and a tendency to idealize. So, it’s very easy for us to convince ourselves someone is perfect for us before we know much about them.

And if we confess to someone like this and they turn out not to be a good-hearted person, that can lead to a lot of turmoil and heartache down the line. That’s why I offer this advice to INFJs considering confessing their feelings to a crush.

But regardless of your personality type, if you have romantic feelings for someone, it might not be a good idea to try getting to know them as a friend. It might feel awkward and inauthentic, especially if your feelings are strong. Instead, you can ask them out and get to know them while dating.

Just make sure you’re both clear that you’re dating and not just hanging out. This way you both have an idea of your hopes and intentions for these encounters—seeing if you have chemistry and potential for a relationship.

Once you’ve gotten to know each other better, you can re-evaluate your feelings for your crush. And then, if your feelings for them are still strong or even stronger, feel free to confess.

(But if this person would rather get to know you as a friend, you should respect that and wait until they’re ready to move the relationship into the romantic zone. And if you can’t, this might not be the person for you.)

Confessing to an Online Crush

There is one final category I haven’t yet mentioned: the online crush. What if you’ve spent hours and hours talking to your crush online or through texting or other technology and now you feel you know them really well and you want to confess your feelings to them?

Really, in all the situations I’ve just presented, it’s always your decision whether and when you confess your feelings. This one is no different.

But as I talk about in this post, even if you feel you know an online crush well, you really won’t understand their true character until you spend time with them in real life. That’s why I encourage people with online crushes to bring those crushes into the real world.

That’s the only way to get to know the real person behind the screen and have a real relationship with them. And only then do I consider it safe to confess your feelings for them.

Final Thoughts

Again, this is just general advice to offer you some guidance on how long to wait before coming clean with your feelings for someone. But you may have reasons for wanting to try dating a friend before telling them how you feel.

Or you may have burning emotions for an acquaintance or online crush that you feel compelled to share before you try dating. At the end of the day, it’s your life and it’s your heart. You decide what you do with them.

Now it’s your turn. How long do you think people should wait before confessing their feelings for someone?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: January 29, 2024